Thursday, October 14, 2010

When one door closes...

Just last week, I was thinking about changing the name of my blog...  to The Blonde, the Drama Queen, Uncle M, and Mommy TT.  You see... the Vampire was doing an amazing job of keeping her cannibalistic side under wraps.  She had gone nearly three weeks with only two biting incidents, which was amazing compared to her 2+ incidents per day.  This week however...  she fell apart.  Uncle M, (even the Drama Queen) and I spent every waking moment working on role playing with her, and modeling.  I kept reminding her to use her words, and to try to resolve issues without putting her hands, feet, or mouth on anyone.  Something changed... and it all just crumbled in my hands.  She was sent home every day this week.  I tried to talk to the teachers, it was falling on deaf ears.  I couldn't get much response out of them, and they kept saying that she was just spontaneously biting people.  I feel in my heart that there were reasons, that maybe they didn't see, so I asked the director on Tuesday if I could see the tapes from the days this week that she had been sent home.  She said she would get them together. 

Yesterday, when I had her at my work with me, I made a pallet of a thick blanket up and put her under my desk with her pillow to nap.  Keep in mind - I am bringing her to work with me because she ASKED to go see Papaw when I picked her up, and I didn't want to give her what she wanted after she was sent home for hurting someone.  She's sitting there, and looking at me with those big blue eyes of hers.  I had a feeling come over me, of complete and utter hopelessness.  Call it whatever you will, but I KNEW she would be kicked out of the daycare by the end of the week.  I felt this had all played out before, and bits and pieces of it were coming back to me.  That stayed with me for the rest of the day, and all this morning, I was a nervous wreck.  Every time the phone rang, and I was told it was for me... I dreaded answering it.  Around ten forty-five am, today I received that dreaded call.  The director told me she bit a child on the leg, and it was a pretty bad bite.  I told her that I can't keep doing this.  She asked if I had someone else to come get the Vampire, and I said no, I don't.  She told me that I needed to have someone come get her, and that since I am paid though Friday, I may bring her back tomorrow...  but not after that. 

I have felt for a long time (except for the two week reprieve) that my little vampire was not wanted there.  She seems to have made a name for herself as a trouble child... and there is literally nothing I can do to change that.  I was however, devastated by this.  I got off the phone and began to sob at my desk.  My co-workers, bless their hearts, know what I have been going through.  It happens mostly during working hours, and they let me sit there and cry - it's what I needed to do.  I called my mom, she's the person I usually run to when the world seems to be breaking apart and falling away from me.  She told me to pull my emotions together and hold my head high and go get our sweet little girl.  I have fought so hard, for so long to keep her in this daycare.  There is so much at her fingertips there - so much she can become involved in...  that I just hated to accept defeat, and walk away - but my heart told me it is time.  A gentleman I work with is a pastor, and he is an amazing upbeat fellow, and he came in and gave me a big hug and told me to never forget that when one door closes, another one will open, and he hopes the Lord makes it a clear path for me to see.  I am trying to believe in that right now, as I look through bleary eyes at this computer screen. 

I am exploring other daycare options.  I am not a wealthy person, and do not have the 600-800 dollars a month it will cost for daycare. She has been in her old program by the grace and mercy of the United Way and 4C, as they provided us with a scholarship.  I pay a portion of it, and they handle the rest, based on my income.  I could not have made it without this.  Uncle M...   I don't deserve him, is willing to help me pay the daycare costs now that I may be forced to pay full price, which is more than my current house payment on our tiny 900 square foot home.  I am torn over this because of how hard I fought for my independence, and how much I don't want to be come dependent on someone for anything.  I am going to figure out if there is another facility that 4C works with, and re-apply for county assistance.  I'm going to call a number that Uncle M found for a complete screening of problematic children, and see if that is something that I can get her into.  I'm also going to start exploring a speech pathologist.  I am not hopeful - since they were not able to find much wrong at the IEP screening, but I have to do something.

The Vampire doesn't seem to realize the impact of what she has done.  I can't be entirely angry with her, because I feel the school holds some responsibility in her continued behavior, as they never did time outs when she did wrong, and she really never learned from her mistakes.  She viewed being sent home as a treat, and I believe would act out so she could have that.  I will continue to work with her...  to hope and pray that she begins to understand that there are better ways to deal with anger...  and to just be there.  I wish I could reach into her little mind and help her - to soothe her savage beast, and just show her how much better life can be when you follow the Golden Rule and treat others how you want to be treated. 

The Drama Queen is acting up again too.  She is whistling in class, and refusing to stop when the teacher asks her to quit.  I don't know what typical Kindergarten behavior is...  but I can't imagine she is exhibiting it.  I told her this morning if she wasn't good at school today, that she was going to help me clean the house tonight.  She helped me clean the house.... and she was almost cheerful about it.  I don't understand. 

My sister sent another letter to the children.  She mentioned again that she may be coming to visit - this time named a date in March 2011.  Again, I didn't show it to them, and it is in the box in the closet.  She wrote a letter to my mom, and said that she knows she can't erase what she has done, but she wants to make it right.  I look back at the emotional hell that these kids and I have been through, and wonder if she can ever really "make it right".  I know that forgiving her is well within my capacity, and have pretty much done just that.  I just can't see letting her be in their lives for one day... then disappearing again.  They need stability and to know that the people they hold dear will ALWAYS be there, putting them above everything else.  If she can not provide that to them, then I don't want to subject them to her.  I still question if she is hiding another child from us, as someone contacted me via FaceBook on an anon. page to tell me that she was pregnant almost exactly a year ago.  I never know what to believe anymore. 

I am trying to stay positive about all of this.  I am trying to have some faith that it will all work out, however it is meant to, and I just need to keep doing what I think is right until the end.  Some days... it is so difficult.  But in the words of Breaking Benjamin.... "I will not bow, I will not break, I will shut the world away.  I will not fall, I will not fade, I will take your breath away.  And I'll survive, paranoid.  I have lost the will to change.  And I am not proud, coldblooded, fake, I will shut the world away."

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