Saturday, November 20, 2010

My Obsession

On October 8, 2009, someone contacted me via Facebook.  They went to the extreme to create a fake account, and then send me an e-mail saying "just thought you should know, your sister (although she used her name) is 7 weeks pregnant again.  will she never stop?"  I responded back asking them how I knew them, and if they were certain of the pregnancy, this person never responded back to me.

Now doing the math, if she were 7 weeks pregnant on October 8th, her conception date would be around August 26, 2009.  She fled to Arkansas around June 29, 2009.  So she got pregnant a full two months after she left her three children.  Taking that math one step further, if she carried this child full term, she would have given birth around May 20th, 2010.  Now mom and I have been told by various sources that she was pregnant, and that she gave birth to twins.  Twins usually come early, so I more than likely have another niece/nephew or two out there.  They are probably around 6 to 7 months old now.

I have to remind myself that I don't know that she has had more children for certain.  That if she did, I would hope she had started caring for herself... the kids better.  I have to think that the man she fled the state with, would treat these children better than he treated the three that she left.  Especially since they would be his blood where as Z-man, Drama Queen and Vampire weren't.  I have to tell myself over and over that it is out of my control, and even if she did have other kids, there is nothing I can do about it.  Nothing.  I can't really prepare myself for the worst.  I can try to be ready to help the children deal with the feelings of anger, rejection, and depression when they learn of the other children, if it is true.  I can't however, seem to turn a blind eye to the fact that this woman who had the guts to walk out on three children she gave birth to, could let herself become knocked up again and have a few more. 

I am 31 years old.  I have never had life growing inside my womb, don't even know if I am fertile or not.  I have never been in a position where I felt secure enough to usher a new life into this world.  Now, I am raising my sister's kids.  I love them and I wouldn't have things any other way, but I can't help but wonder about the implications it will cause about having children of my own.  My home is very small, there isn't much room for another child.  Our funds are very tight, and I can't see paying another set of fees for daycare.  Diapers, medical insurance, clothes, etc.  It all adds up so fast.  Some days I don't know how I afford the two I am raising, and feel like I scrape by with the grace of God and a lot of good karma.  So a new seed of anger begins to fester in my heart.  A seed that I try not to think of, because my thoughts seem to be the sunlight and water it needs to grow.

Has this woman who can run around and have children without giving it much thought or care, taken away the ability for me to feel secure enough to have a child of my own.  How selfish can one person be?  I feel like I can identify with my friends who have fertility problems because I know in my heart I will not in current situations be able to afford to get pregnant, even if I could.  I will not EVER put myself in the same boat that my sister hasn't bothered trying to get herself out of.  I have a friend who is just a little older than I am, who will be undergoing a complete hysterectomy in a few weeks.  This has given me sleepless nights, not only because I am worried for my friend, and hate that she is in pain, but because I can clearly hear that biological clock ticking, and wonder how much longer it will be before I can't wind it up and use it anymore, because my time has just run out.  Then I feel like I am selfish, because at least I have these two angels to love and care for.  But there is no way of knowing if it is permanent or not.  One day their bio mom could come back into their lives, and take them away from me.  If their bio dad ever got his stuff together, he could take them from me, and if it happened at an age, where my biological clock had finally died...  then I would never know the joys and sorrows of raising a child to maturity, watching them sprout wings and fly, and bring me grandchildren.

Of course I am not naive enough to think that if I raised these girls that they would still love me and care for me as their mother.  I have seen that in my own siblings, that sometimes they turn the anger of being left behind on the one person who stood by them all those years.  They say you always hurt the ones you love the most.  I could raise them until adulthood, and they could turn their backs on me.  I would hope they wouldn't, that I was able to show them enough love and kindness, but even if they were biological children, they could chose to cut me out of their lives for one reason or another.

Yet here I am.  Putting the cart before the horse.  I had a friend tell me once that I always over-think things.  I am a planner by nature, and always like to have some set path in life that I can walk.  After years of fighting against them, I have learned to embrace the deviations from the path, as I know they are unavoidable, but at least I had a plan, and didn't wander aimlessly.  Now... my plan is lost.  As I can't decide to be completely reckless like my sister and bring another child into the world, that I can not afford, and I can't write off the dream of one day knowing what it is like to be pregnant, and see myself or the man I love shining in the eyes of a child.  I guess I must embrace this deviation, and hope that wherever it leads me, that I can hold my head up and smile, knowing that I made the best decision possible at that point in time, and I will have no regrets for what might have been.  I can not let my sister's actions turn me bitter or hateful.  And such is life.

Aunt TT

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