Monday, December 13, 2010

Big Girls Don't Cry 12/10

I'm standing in the doorway of the daycare.  Defeated.  Yet another attempt at having a safe loving environment for the Vampire so I can work has been thwarted.  I am trying to help the Vampire get her coat on. She has trouble with starting the zipper, so I am trying to start it for her.  I am also trying to hold back the flow of tears that is hiding behind the massive headache I woke up with around 3:00 this morning.  The director of the daycare is standing there.  She is a very kind woman.  She has tried really hard to keep the Vampire there, but the odds have been stacked against the little girl all along.  The director is trying hard not to cry.  I am shaking.  I am afraid.  Afraid for Katie, afraid for my sanity, afraid that this is what our lives will be like, forever.  I am trying not to let the fear get the best of me.  I am trying to hold my head high, and keep dragging this kid through life, cause she has been kicking, screaming, and fighting against me the whole way.  The director asks me if I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.  I tell her I do feel that way, cause I have been turned away by so many child care facilities, and she is on waiting lists at others.  She apologizes for the 100th time.  I tell her I understand that she has other children she is obligated to, and I don't hold it against her.  I thank her for her help, and give her a hug, then the dam breaks.  The tears start rolling down my cheeks, and I follow the eager Vampire out the door, as the director stands there crying and saying good bye to the Vampire and I.

The Vampire looks at me and says "why u crying?"  I say "Cause I don't know how to help you."  She says "Big girls don't cry TT."  I cry harder.  I don't know how to help her.  We are doing everything we know to do.  1-2-3 Magic, being consistent with rewards/punishments, biting necklace, therapy (speech and psych), regular bedtime with a story before bedtime, love and support, stern but not mean discipline.  Her biting is less.  She has picked up hitting more.  People (the teachers, other parents of school mates) don't want to deal with her.  I can't make people love her and want to deal with her like we do.  It is just a very bad situation.  I know crying doesn't help anything.  But I can't stop the tears from flowing down my face.  I have lost yet another battle in this great war to raise a child.  I've never taken defeat well.

I am tired.  I can't give up on this kid.  I can't be like everyone else.  But I am so tired.  I can't understand why this angel would continue to want to hurt people.  I can't help but wonder if it is something I am doing wrong.  Not enough love on my part?  Too much correction (she is in trouble all the time it seems)?  Is this all part of God's plan to help me be more patient, loving, kind?  Is this some great test of my strength and integrity?  Could this be a payback for all the horrible things I ever did in life?  I can't help but look at that little girl with two pigtails sticking up off either side of her head and think that she is the bull, and I am the rodeo clown, and she is getting the best of me.  A three year old little girl is getting the best of a 31 year old woman.  How senseless is that...

The Drama Queen has been kissing boys at school.  The teacher called me to tell me that she is concerned cause the boys she is kissing on are the "bad boys", and she hates to see the Drama Queen being so centered on having a boyfriend.  This strengthens my fears with what the therapist said to us last week.  This little girl who I would give my life for...  is all ready starting to feel that she has no self worth.  I thanked Mrs. B. for making a point to let me know what is going on, because the Drama Queen doesn't talk to me about it openly, and asked her to keep me informed if the behavior doesn't stop.  I told Uncle M about it, cause I didn't know how to go about approaching this situation.  He handled it himself, by telling her that Santa was mad at her 13 year old cousin, cause she had been kissing on her boyfriend.  He went on to tell her that the cousin was going to have to do focus on school, stop kissing her boyfriend, and do a lot of good things to get back in Santa's good graces.  The Drama Queen looks at him and says "how many good things?"  That makes me think that maybe he got through to her for now.  But I know it is only a band-aid to the situation.  Kids only worry about Santa for so long, and for certain parts of the year.  But I have been hinting at being in contact with Mrs. B. and knowing what the Drama queen does wrong in school, and that she had better straighten up or she is going to lose all rights to television on the days she can not behave.

Through a friend of mine, I have located a daycare run by a woman out of her home.  She lives a few blocks from me, and because of the weekly doctors appointments we have to attend, I need to stay with a facility in our home city.  I let her know the entire situation with the Vampire, and asked her if she would be willing to take her on.  She told me she would give it an honest shot, that she loves kids, and has been working with them for all of her life.  I let her know that this might not be permanent, cause if I can get her on at Head Start, then I will have to try that because they offer speech and other therapies, she said that is OK, and this comes at a great time with the older kids being in school most of the day.  I feel the Vampire needs help with her speech, and fear she will be as difficult to understand as her 7 year old autistic brother is.  So I am still shooting for Head Start, even if it is only 1/2 a day. 

We don't have dance class the last two weeks of this month.  I am (as horrible as it sounds) looking forward to that.  We need a little break as we have been running at full steam for months now.  The break will also be good for the girls.  At our last therapy meeting, the therapist let us know that she can not arrange for a person to shadow the Vampire at the daycare.  That is something not provided until they are school-age (Kindergarten.... can I tell you that I dread Kindergarten with the Vampire).  She also can not formally test the Vampire for anything because she is just too young.  She said we can take her somewhere to be tested on our own, and that if they do diagnose her incorrectly that she can over turn the diagnosis.  So even more to think about for her.  If I could have one wish for Christmas, it would be that my sister has learned her lesson, that she hasn't had any more children that she couldn't handle, and that if (on the off chance) she has, that she will do a better job in loving and raising them.  Because I struggle to clean up her mess, and help these children make it through life, that is my only Christmas wish.

Aunt TT

1 comment:

  1. It is my wish for you that all this becomes a memory that others find hard to believe if they weren't there with you while you are struggling though all of this. Of course new challenges will rise up, as the role of a parent never ends. You can only do your best, be there, pay attention, and guide as best you can. It will pay off some day.