Tuesday, December 21, 2010

"I think I am falling for her"

"I think I am falling for her."  The sitter says this to me while stroking the cheeks of the Vampire this morning.  I am in shock.  I have heard NOTHING but awful things from other child care personnel.  This woman has the ability to see past the bad things she does, and still love her.  Like me.  Like a mother would their child.  Last night the Vampire ran into the kitchen where I was sewing like a madman, and says "Drama Queen is out of bed!!!"  I say "I hear her, but you're out of bed too.  Get back in bed now."  The Vampire toddles back to her room yelling at the Drama Queen "I told on you! Na Na Na Na Na!"  Uncle M comes through with a basket of laundry, and I say "she is a mean little thing!"  He asks why I say that, I explain it to him.  Then he says, "well Drama Queen tells on her all the time..."  I say, "yeah, but she doesn't rub it into the Vampire's face that she just told!!!"  He shrugs his shoulders and walks away.  I recognize the bad things she does... and still love her.

This morning, when removing her thoroughly soaked pull up, the Vampire wasn't paying attention to it and ripped the entire front open, instead of pulling it down...  I will never understand that.  Silica soaked with urine spilled out all over my bathroom floor, and the Vampire looks at me and starts crying.  What a mess.  We have her clean up after herself when she pees or poops in her pants.  The thought behind this is that after she has to clean up her own messes enough.. maybe she will stop making them.  I can't help but grin like an idiot while I type that.  Kids are way harder to train at doing that stuff than I ever imagined!  So here she stands, sobbing, in a pile of pull-ups stuffing reeking of urine.  I help her finish taking it off, toss it in the plastic bag and sit her on the toilet.  I set the timer for 5 minuets and tell her to get dressed, and redirect her emotions, then have her clean up the mess after she is calm again with the vacuum.  Rest of the morning is pretty smooth, aside from the Vampire spitting at the Drama Queen cause she doesn't want her to sing Christmas Carols with me in the car.  Looking back, mornings have been smoother, and days have been easier since the Vampire has settled into this new routine with the sitter.  I can't help but wonder what magic is at work here, but can't begin to tell you how grateful I am of it.

I am still in a bit of shock.  Still have a hard time believing that someone outside the family, my work family, can see the good in this child.  Is willing to see the good in this child.  I'm so afraid of putting my faith in what she said, for fear of her telling me she can't watch her anymore.  I can't tell you how relieved I am however to not have the daily "can you come get your kid" phone calls.  I have worn make-up for two days in a row now.  I haven't cried in awhile, or had to tell my boss "yeah.. I have to run get the child again."  I can see the relief and normalcy begin to creep back into our lives... and I think that I would do anything for this woman who is seeing my child for the monster she is not.  I see myself telling the stories of the FUNNY things that the girls do to my co-workers, instead of sobbing about the awful things she is doing.  I find myself wanting to snuggle the Vampire more often, and wanting to reward her and let her be on a longer leash at the house, or around other people's kids.  The Vampire seems happier.  She seems to enjoy being with the sitter, and I am just so amazed that one person can make this much of a difference in this child's life.  In my life, the Drama Queen's life, and Uncle M's life.  I pray that this is a lasting change, and we will only go up from here.  If things keep going this well, I can't see putting her into another daycare again, and may just keep her with the sitter, and try to get her into Head Start.  I want her to be prepared for kindergarten, but fear she won't be if she stays at the sitter's house full day. 

The redneck did another no call/ no show.  I was convinced that he would have contacted me to see the girls last weekend because of Christmas, but he didn't.  I let Uncle M know that I am a little apprehensive of this, cause I can't wrap my mind around how a guy pushes for custody/alone time with two little girls, then just disappears.  Maybe he's just a jerk, and wants to exert what little control he has over us.  Maybe he wanted to see them/spend time with them, but let drugs and a bad lifestyle overpower that want.  Uncle M thinks he got bored with it, and figures he will come back when he isn't bored anymore.  In the meantime, we have to keep those weekends semi-open for him.  We have to be ready for that phone call if he does want to see or talk to the girls.  I haven't been receiving any paperwork stating that he is paying child support, so the work he is doing has to be all under the table, and he is falling behind again, but that is all on him.  If he and my sister were to go a year w/o contact and paying child support we could adopt the girls, and really make them our own, legally.  I just fear holding out that hope, cause I doubt either of them would let us have them permanently like that.  I would feel so much better if they were permanently ours. 

Christmas is approaching fast!  Uncle M and I finished most of our Christmas shopping last Friday.  His parents suprised me and bought me a dress dummy.  I felt really bad about how much money they probably spent on me and would rather see that money go to a better cause, but am so excited about having my very own dress dummy.  A friend at work suggested that I try to make my own bathing suit since I can't find one I like in the stores, and I'm thinking seriously of taking her up on that thought.  A dress dummy will make it so much easier, and less painful than sticking myself with straight pins!   Vintage black and white polka dots with dashes of hot pink... here I come!  I should really finish the remainder of Christmas presents first, though.  No use getting ahead of myself!

Aunt TT

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