Around noon today, I received a text from my sister saying "tell the girls i love them and miss them and i love and miss you too. Jessy". This is the first correspondence she has actually sent to me personally since she has been gone. She has mailed letters for the girls to my mom's house, but never to me. She returned a phone call in February of last year when I needed some info (was asking for help getting prior child support records on bio dad) from her in regards to custody case. She wasn't much help in that matter, didn't follow through on my requests, and only begged me to keep them out of their bio dad's hands. I haven't written her letters telling her about what has happened in the kids lives, I wonder if I should, but she hasn't made much effort to stay in contact, and I didn't want to force the kids on her.
Reality slaps me in the face. They're not my kids. The Vampire is calling me mommy on a constant basis now. But I didn't give birth to her. I am filling the shoes of a mommy... but for how long? How permanent is my situation? What are her plans for these kids, the ones she gave birth to but walked away from? Should I respond to the text? And if I do... all I want to say is if you miss them so much... where have you been the last year and a half (will be 2 years in June). I want to question her about the rumors of other children she has supposedly had. I want to sit down and give into the tears at the root of all these questions... when is she going to come back here, and try to get her kids back from me, from mom and dad. How much longer will I be the mommy I have grown to love being?
I wonder if she keeps in contact in her touch in go way to prevent me from ever being able to adopt them. Adoption is the only way I could keep them safe, and know that they are safe with me, for the rest of their lives. I know she has to miss them. I know there is probably not a day that goes by that she doesn't think about them. I still wonder exactly why she left. I can make my own assumptions, but they are just that... assumptions. I miss her too. I miss the dreams I had about having kids with my sister, and watching them grow up together. Trying to help them learn from the mistakes we made. I miss the life I wanted for my sister. Getting her away from all the booze and drugs, and helping her to see the beautiful person she really could be. I see other sisters together, people whom I have become good friends with, and feel the loss in my soul, that I will never again have that playful banter with my own sister. Because of the situation she has placed me in, I feel like I have lost the ability to tell her that I know she is doing the wrong thing, but I still love her and always will. I can't be too warm and loving toward her, for fear that she will use that against me to hurt me... the girls. I hate living with the guilt of being cold to this person I grew up with. This person who I would have done almost anything for.
It is bittersweet, and I try not to dwell on it. The gravity of the situation has overwhelmed me today. On a good note, the Vampire has pretty much (knocking on wood with both hands and feet as I say this) stopped biting. She got upset with her sister a few evenings ago because the Drama Queen called her a Vampire. I was at work when it happened, but Uncle M said that she told the Drama Queen "I don't bite anymore. Don't say that." I am clinging to the hope that it's over. Still haven't talked to the daycare provider about the smoking. I felt it would be wisest to have a secondary care lined up in case she asks us not to bring her back. I almost feel bad taking the Vampire away from her as she depends on the income, and seems to adore her. It's so hard to let someone else raise your kids for you. Even if they aren't really your physical, I gave birth to them kids. The Drama Queen has been doing well in school. She said she was ill at school yesterday, and I let her come home after lunch. She seemed fine for the rest of the day, however, and I made her go back today. Uncle M is kind of between jobs right now. His former employer was pretty awful to him, and he's waiting on his background check to come back at the prospective employer before he can start there. He's been helping me around the house while he's home. It's nice to have this little family, and I should just enjoy what I have right now and quit worrying about the future. Sometimes it is so hard though. Especially when your greatest fear is that bio parents will take away the thing that means the most in your life... their kids.