Thursday, February 3, 2011

My Flesh and Blood

I received another text from my sister today.  It said "tell the girls i miss and love them and i an very sorry that i wasn't a good mom but i always loved them". 

So many things go though my mind when I read this.  I wonder if her guilt has taken it's toll on her and she is going to overdose or hurt herself.  I wonder if she just wants me to think that because she knows what a bleeding heart I am, and how I want to help everyone in pain or need.  I read this simple text, and just feel like crying.  I am stuck in a very hard place because she walked out on her three children.  The sister in me wants to reach out to her, and tell her that no one is perfect, and that she did the best thing she could have done for them by leaving them with us.  I don't want to sound superior or condescending when I say it to her, though.  I want the love I had for her to shine through, and for her to know that I have forgiven her, and the children will in time too.  I wonder if this is another message because something has triggered the guilt she feels for having left them.  I know she has to feel guilty about it.

I don't know how to respond to this.  So I haven't.  Truth is... I probably wont.  I really want to text back, "I can not tell your kids that you are sorry for you.  It is something you will have to do on your own."  I want to ask her if she still plans on coming up in March, and if she does, she needs to tell us a date so we can make arrangements on our end.  I want to tell her that she has missed out on so much.  From watching Drama Queen read her first book on her own, to listening to the Vampire begin to form full coherent sentences.  She has missed the sheer joy that shines in Z-man's eyes.  The kids are so happy in their new lives. 

I haven't told them about their mom's texts.  I don't know what I should do.  I don't know if it would make things worse or better.  This indecision isn't good for any of us, though, and I need to make a good solid decision soon.  They have all these positive things going on, and we try to keep their environment as positive as possible.  I hate to say "Hey girls, your mom texted me today.  She says she loves you, and wants to let you know she is thinking of you."  Maybe it is because of my own inability to deal with the fact that my sister, my flesh and blood ditched her kids.  I told mom that it is so hard for me to admit to people that I am raising these lovelies because my very own sister walked away from them.  I feel like they look at me and wonder why my sister would leave her kids.  Some ask me WHY?  I can't answer them.  I can toss out the speculation that we all have, but I don't really know why. 

She has been texting me at least once a week for the past 4 weeks now.  I imagine she is in a pretty bad place mentally and her guilt is eating away at her.  I hope that she is OK.  As she is still my sister, and I would absolutely hate to hear of anything bad happening to her.  I also have to remind myself that I can't live in fear that she is going to do something drastic to herself.  She will make her choices, and if they are good, bad, or ugly, they are her choices, and I have no influence over them.  I must make my choices, and reap the benefits or suffer the consequences of them. 

One choice has been made recently regarding daycare for the Vampire.  We will be starting her in a new daycare on 2/14.  I have high hopes for this place.  They have more trained staff on hand than the three centers she was in prior.  They do not believe in sending kids home, and use a time out chair.  They have "care conferences" and I got to sit with the director, and teacher (and the Vampire's speech therapist) yesterday and discuss what we think would be best for the Vampire.  They were very open with me about everything, and could sense how apprehensive and nervous I am for this change because of our past history with daycare facilities.  I really felt like they cared.  The director sent the Vampire home with a puppet, and told me that puppets are great role playing tools to help kids learn how to communicate.  The Vampire calls the puppet Sally.  We have to take the puppet back to her next Wednesday when we are there for therapy, and I know it will break the Vampire's heart to part with Sally.  She just loves it!  She bit me with Sally twice yesterday, and I put her (because she was the force behind Sally's actions) and Sally in time out for it.  I told her (when I put her in time out) that she could spend time out telling Sally how biting hurts people, and it's not an acceptable behavior, then I closed her in her room for 3 minutes.  We do lots of time outs with the Vampire it seems.

The sitter is very broken hearted to hear that we will be pulling the Vampire from her care.  She hasn't really said much to Uncle M or I when we take the Vampire to her house or pick her up.  I know she is upset, and we really hate to be the cause of any distress for her, but we have to do what is best for the Vampire.  I really hate that she is pulling away from us so harshly, almost feel like it is a punishment, and half expect her telling me not to bring the Vampire back next week.  They offer so much at this center, physically, mentally, etc.  I think that if the Vampire is happier there, then it will be for the best.  The Vampire is very excited about this move.  She can not wait to start at the new center.  I have told her countless times that she can not bite there.  I have told her how important it is to have friends, and that if she bites people, they might not want to be friends with her, they might be afraid of her, and I know she doesn't want someone to be afraid of her at her new school.  I pray this is the right move.  Time will tell.

The Drama Queen is reading more and more.  She surprises me with the ability to sound out big words, and I can tell when she is being lazy on the little ones that she knows.  She sat with me and counted to 109 last night and only stumbled between 29 and 30, then instead of saying 110, she said 10 hundred.  I enjoy listening to her explain her art work at the end of the day, and the rare moments that she opens up and talks to me about school.  She will talk other people's ears off, but cause I am the "mom" figure in her life, I'm not quite as fun so she doesn't talk to me as much.  I'm making an effort to be a little more fun, but still be the mom figure.  We balanced pop bottles on our heads on the kitchen floor last night and giggled up a storm.  She started piano lessons on Monday, and seems to enjoy it.  She and Uncle M practiced a bit on the piano last night.   She came home yesterday with a paper for Girl Scouts, and she is begging us to sign her up (3:45-5:15 every Tuesday - dance starts at 6:00 every Tuesday).  I was in Girl Scouts, and would love to give her the opportunity, but it might be difficult to get her fed and to dance on time.  But if that is what she really wants, then I will do what is in my power to give it to her. 

The kitten has been loads of fun!  She is still pretty sweet, although she is becoming more comfortable and growing a little frisky.  My 13 year old yellow tomcat is starting to warm up to her, and he has let her sit close to him instead of smacking her in the head and hissing.  He is such a crotchety old man sometimes!   He eats all of her food too.  I can't tell if he just likes it better than his, or if he's trying to starve her to death cause he doesn't want her there, but he hasn't made it easy on her.  He has been giving me the cold shoulder as well, because he refuses to sleep in the bedroom with me if she is in there, and she has made it a point every night to curl up at my legs.  They will work it out in time.  I imagine my old Baata will keep her in check, though.  Hobie is still afraid of her, and she is afraid of him.  It is pretty funny how huge her tail gets up when her hair stands all on end when Hobie comes barreling into a room.  The girls love the kitty, and try to carry her everywhere.  I have to keep explaining to them why they can't, and how she needs her freedom just like they do.  Maybe one day they will understand.  Uncle M grabbed the Drama Queen and held her last night when she went walking by him, and she got really upset and yelled at him to let her go.  He told her, that is what you do to the kitten, and she doesn't have the words to ask to be let go.  The Drama Queen broke down into tears and took off to the bathroom.  I don't think she understood the point of the lesson because she had her feelings hurt.  She is so much like me and so easily hurt. 

Aunt TT

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