Monday, February 21, 2011

You Quit Holding Me!

I am sleeping on my side, and hear a tiny voice saying something I can't quite understand in my sleepy haze. I open my eyes to see the Vampire standing right in my face.  I glance at the clock while saying "what's wrong honey," and cringe at the blaring red 4:03a.  She says "I SCARED!"  I say, "of what honey?"  She just repeats the I SCARED line and crawls up into bed beside me.  I roll over and let her lay on my chest/stomach (she sleeps on her belly).  She wraps her little arms around me, I wrap my arms around her, and she's instantly asleep.  I hold her like this until it's no longer comfortable, then I pull her off to my left side and hold her.  Around 5:00a I wake up to her fussing a bit.  She is sweaty, my arm is asleep, and I don't see how she can be comfortable, so I put a bit of space between us, and roll over to go back to sleep.  Seconds after I roll over, she begins sobbing.  I say, "Vampire, what's wrong?"  You see she is on antibiotics right now.  I know she isn't sick.  She isn't running a fever - she was sweating cause of the multitudes of blankets I have on my bed, and the thick flannel sleeper that I zip her up in on cold wintry nights.  My sleep addled brain can not register why this child would be crying, but I am running through scenerios, and trying to figure out what I did wrong.  I am not laying on her hair, I can't fathom how I am hurting her enough that she feels the need to cry.  Then she says through her sobs, "You quit holding me".

You quit holding me.  This child wants to be so close to me right now that she is beside herself upset when I stop holding her.  So I roll back over, wrap her in my arms, and she is asleep instantly again.  She just wants to be held.  I go through times like that.  When I can't be held long enough or close enough.  I imagine we all have days when being in the arms of a loved one is the balm for any problem.  This little cherub wanted me to hold her.  She must feel fairly safe with me, and be accepting of the love that I have for her, to be so happy, so content just to be held.  I sent her back to her own bed around 5:30 because it was time for me to get up and get moving.  She obliged me without any fighting or crying - just got up and toddled into her room.  These moments I hold so dear.  I know she feels loved enough that she doesn't need me to hold her anymore and she can stand on her own, because if I am holding her or not... that love is always there.  That love will always be there.

I rec'd another text from my sister last week (2/15 @ 1:51p).  It was directed at the girls, like she was speaking directly to them, and I wasn't even reading it.  It said "Hey i love you girls and i hope you are well and having fun i miss you so much keep being great kids."  The Drama Queen mentioned a few days ago that she missed her mom, and I told her "she misses you to, she sent me a text saying she hopes you are well."  The Drama Queen didn't really have a response to that.  She just smiled and danced off.  My conscience felt better for having found a way to relay that to her, and I didn't have to go into detail about it all.  There was no long drawn out crying/screaming match.  Just a smile and she's gone.  She seemed fine the rest of the day.  I hate being the middle man, and I know that all episodes in the future won't be so pleasant or flawless.  But I can hope and dream that the ways I am handling everything right now will set us up for an easier set of teenage years right?!?!

The Vampire seems to be doing OK with her new school.  She is averaging one bite a day, but I don't think they have been severe ones.  She was seen by the infamous "Child Whisperer", George, who I have heard about at the last three daycare centers, last Thursday, and I hope to set up a date/time with the director to hear what George has to say about my little girl.  We watched an episode of SuperNanny on Friday night (I would like to invite her to come live with me... I will cook and clean... she can eat bonbons and just keep an eye on my kiddos).  The entire first 10 minutes I sat there and said, "that is my kid" about the unruly 3 yr old on the show.  This kid, Logan, didn't care for authority figures, and loved to push the envelope when told to do something.  He regularly hit, kicked, screamed, yelled when being asked to do anything he didn't want to.  His tantrums rival the Vampire's.  Time outs were comprised of the parent repeatedly placing the kid on the time out mat over and over and over.  I felt sorry for the young couple trying to run a coffee shop and raise three hellions of sons.  Super Nanny laid down the law, and I have been trying a new twist on my time outs after having seen how she handled it all.  The kid still has to sit quietly for 3 minutes (or 1 minute for every year of age), but when the time out is done, you remind the child of exactly what landed them in time out, then you tell them you love them, kiss and hug them and send them on their way.  Our current time out regimen does not consist of any positive reinforcement once the time out is over... and I think my kiddos need that reassurance that although they've been terribly naughty, I'm always going to be there and to love them.

The Drama Queen is taking off with her reading!  As we drive down the road she will say "that says OUT!" and "that says EXIT".  She even surprises me with some larger words, and I lavish praise on her.  I also try to encourage more reading by saying "what does that orange sign say?"  This morning we played a little game that I used to adore, of a Pass Along Story.  I asked her to tell me a story, and she said she couldn't think of one so I told her the rules of the game, and then started it about a horse named Geroge who lived in a pasture.  She then added that George loved to eat apples and grass.  I then said that one day George was in the pasture eating apples and grass when suddenly something scared him, and he ran for the forest!  Her imagination ran with it from there, and by the time it was time for her to go into the school building, I was a little sad to see her go, because I wanted to continue our story about George.  It was a lot of fun!  I think she had fun too, and won't be surprised if she asks for us to do it again tomorrow. 

Starting in March, I will be taking a slight cut in my hours at work.  It's bad for my pocketbook, but I will get to spend more time with the girls, and I hope that I won't be so tired all the time.  Starting the week out on a 12 hour day wears on me by Friday.  I think it would be easier if I had a job where I was moving more instead of sitting at a desk all day long, but then I wouldn't work for and with the amazing people I work for and with, so I will just try to utilize this new stint of free time with some more activity in my life.  I was trying to teach the Vampire how to do crunches the other day, and her little belly has no muscle in it!  I hope that with a little hard work, and persistence I can teach her how to enjoy working out.  I could see her getting frustrated that she couldn't sit-up from the crunch starting position, but I just kept encouraging her.  The Drama Queen on the other hand is 95% muscle, and she was going to town with it.  She then made up new exercises for us to try, and pretended to be a mini aerobics instructor. 

Uncle M is still loving his new job.  I think he gets a little bored with it when they are slow, but he is thankful to be out of the other job and onto better things.  The Drama Queen is enjoying Girl Scouts (started last Tues - and won't stop singing the songs she learned), and Piano lessons.  Both girls are doing well in dance class.  We have opted not to do the Father Daughter dance this year (as much as I would like to) because if the girls bio dad shows up and wants to come to the recital (Fathers Day), then it would just be a big ugly mess, and I don't know how well it would go for Uncle M to dance with both of them in one dance.  I have all sorts of imaginary catastrophes befalling all three of them on stage that run through my mind when I think of it.  The Vampire bites the Drama Queen cause she stepped on her foot... or the Drama Queen hauls off and tries to smack the Vampire, misses and hits Uncle M in the groin...  you get the picture.  It would be a huge embarrassment to me but I'm sure the other parents would get a kick out of it.  Maybe next year we can attempt it.   I guess I would feel better giving Uncle M the go ahead to do it, if Bio Dad had been out of their lives for at least a year.  Speaking of Bio Dad, I haven't had a call from him since October (no child support statements on him either - so he's not paying child support), and I'm holding out hope that after this next October, Uncle M and I could move forward with some adoption processes.  Keep sending good thoughts our way!

Aunt TT

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