Monday, March 21, 2011

Conflicting Stories

To My Sweet Little 3 year old and 6 year old,

I am faced with a really tough decision right now.  You see, your mom called Mamaw yesterday.  She gave Mamaw the impression that she wants me to adopt you, so that I can continue to keep you safe, and raise you for the rest of our lives.  She went so far to tell Mamaw that she would sign you over to me right now.  She told Mamaw that she is very happy that I am raising you, and knows that you are well cared for.  She gave Mamaw the impression that raising four children was just something that she couldn't do. 

No.  Aunt TT has not lost her mind.  I didn't have a typo.  I meant four children.  On top of telling Mamaw that she thinks I'm doing a great job by both of you, she also told her that you both have a little brother.  A baby that was born in May of 2010.  She told Mamaw that she is trying really hard to be a good mommy to your little brother.  She told Mamaw that this little brother reminds her of your older brother.  She also talked about how much she missed you two, me, Z-man, Mamaw, and Papaw. 

She told Mamaw that she would like to see you the weekend of 4/3.  Mamaw was cautious and told her that it would have to be at the therapists office, so we could better handle the fallout we are all afraid you three may have.  I am afraid you might suffer feelings of anger and rejection.  I am afraid you might feel unloved, or you might have a meltdown when you have to watch her walk away again.  I am afraid that you won't understand when she is coming back (because I won't understand either), and you might feel like she doesn't love you.  I am afraid that you may want to give up in school and lose your desire to excel, and girls nothing is worthy of that.  You are so special so wonderful that I never want to see you stop striving for the best person that you can be.  I can not answer for your biological mother, but please know in my heart, I feel that she loves you.  I know she made some decisions that you or I didn't exactly like, but they brought you and I together, and for that - I will be eternally grateful.  My time with you has been the best years of my life.

Your biological mom also told Mamaw that she wanted to talk to me.  So Mamaw called me to tell me the news.  I was afraid.  I didn't believe that your mommy could want to give you up to me.  I couldn't understand how any mommy would want to give their children up.  Mommies work so hard to bring babies to life, then work even harder for years to come to ensure their safety and well being.  My mom, your Mamaw encouraged me to talk to your mommy, but I was so angry at your mommy for leaving you three and having another child, that in the moment I couldn't.  Your mommy lied to Mamaw and I about that quite a bit over the last year and a half.  I needed time to calm down.  Papaw called me shortly after I got off the phone with Mamaw to let me know how he felt about Mamaw's conversation with your mommy.  He also encouraged me to open my heart and talk to my sister.  I know Papaw's dream is to have his family whole again some day.  It breaks his heart that we had to make the decisions that we had to make, but we had to be strong for you.  You had no one else to protect you from this world. 

I spent the day working in the greenhouse.  Drama Queen, you played games on the computer, and Vampire, you helped Uncle M to clean all the rocks out of that silly rock garden in the back yard, then when you tired of that you watched T.V.  I developed a love of the song "Waiting for the End" by Linkin Park while I worked.  You see he says in the chorus "sitting in an empty room, trying to forget the past.  this was never meant to last.  I wish you didn't have to go.  I know what it takes to move on.  I know how it feels to lie.  All I want to do is trade this life for something new, holding onto what I haven't got".  You see, I feel that in fighting to keep you safe with me... I am holding onto what I haven't got.  You are my children, but you aren't.   I fear the day that may come that you may be taken away from me, or that you may become angry and decide you don't want to be with me anymore (when you are at an age you can decide).  I don't ever want to sit in your empty room.  I don't ever want to forget the past that we have shared.  I want this to be meant to last for the rest of our lives.  I don't want to trade my life with you - it is all I want.  I hope and pray that I'm not holding onto what I haven't got.  I know that might not make sense to you, but I sing this song to you when you're getting ready for the shower, and you both love it, and ask me to keep singing.  Just know that maybe the reason I am so good at singing it to you, is because I am singing you my heart, and soul.

Sunday evening, I finally got the nerve up to call your mom after you were in bed.  She seemed shocked that I called her, and told me how she loved and missed me.  I told her the same.  I wanted to go on and on about everything I hate that she has missed, and chat like old times and bring her up to speed on our lives, but the mature and calm part of me cautioned against that.  She told me that she is thrilled that I am raising you.  She said she didn't want anyone else to do it.  She told me that she knows it is very far down the road, but she would like to show you both what a good mommy she can be.  She contradicted what she told Mamaw earlier that day, and told me she would like shared parenting with me, that she envisions having you both for 1/2 of the year, and I have you both for the other 1/2 of the year.  I stayed quiet and listened to her, although my heart was breaking.  Your mommy made some bad decisions when she had you, I don't want to see you subjected to that again.  There is a nagging voice inside my head to give her a shot, but my heart screams that people don't change that drastically, and would I really subject you to that life again?  Please know that I wish your mommy no ill will.  I do love her.  I disagree with so many decisions she makes, but I do love her.  I didn't confirm or deny my desire to share the both of you with her, and just let her talk.  I told her how you both call me mommy.  I didn't do it to hurt her feelings, although I am sure it did.  I wanted her to know that I didn't ask either of you to call me that, that you needed someone you could consider your mommy, and I was the closest thing, so I didn't stop you.  I also didn't tell her how proud I am that you think that highly of me.  It would have hurt her even more. 

Your biological mommy mentioned moving back home, and of her visit he hopes to make in April.  I had visions of strained family gatherings dancing through my head, but tried to stay impartial to it - and tried to imagine that in time things wouldn't be so bad.  Please know that I am not and I did not try to drive her away.  She is part of me, as I am part of her.  I don't feel whole while she isn't around, but my main goal in life - is to protect you both and make sure you have the best shot at life.  I asked her to think about what that would do to both of you.  How confused it could leave you.  I asked her to think of your well being, and how much it would hurt both of you to watch her walk away again...  never knowing when you would see her next, if at all.  I also asked her if she drank alcohol or did drugs during the time she carried both of you.  She seemed so hurt that I could even ask, but you three have struggled so much, and I am banging my head against the wall trying to figure out exactly why (aside from the obvious) you have had such a rough time.  She told me at that point that she loved me but she couldn't talk to me anymore.  She was crying, and she hung up the phone.

I felt horrible, and good at the same time.  Horrible for causing my sister to cry, good for standing up for both of you in the calmest, nicest way possible.  I know you won't understand all of this right now.  I know you might not even understand it in 20 years from now.  I just want you to know that I am trying to protect you.  I am trying my best not to hurt my sister, your mother in the process.  But someone will be hurt.  I prefer it would be me or your biological mom that feel the pain, but I know I can't shield you from all of it.  I know you will have questions, and I will answer them all as openly and honestly as I can.  I may cry.  You may cry.  You may be angry and scream, and I will listen patiently and do whatever I can to help you.  The bottom line of all of this....  you are so loved.  Your mother loved you enough not to drag you into the lifestyle that she chose when she moved away.  I love you so much that I sacrificed everything to provide for you and let you know how very loved you are.  You have two mother figures who will love you forever.  You might not like the decisions we make to show you our love, but we have no more control over each other than we have over how many hours in the day the sun will shine.  I hope you will respect the decisions I have made, for I have a great many tough ones in front of me.  It is hard to be objective right now.  When my heart and mind are pulling me into so many different directions, but I will do my best by you, and I pray that shines in all of my actions.  I love you both, more than I could ever put into words, and always will - no matter the outcome.

Aunt TT

1 comment:

  1. TT--You and those beautiful, precious children have a long hard journey ahead. I hope you find peace and comfort knowing you have someone sending prayers your way.

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