Thursday, March 24, 2011

Sanguine

The definition of Sanguine is:  cheerfully optimistic, hopeful, or confident.  I am trying to be cheerfully optimistic, hopeful, and confident about my current situation.  It is hard, as my sister contacted me again yesterday.  I didn't hear or see my phone ringing, so she had to leave me a voice mail message.  She apologized for hanging up on me on Sunday.  She said it was really hard for her to hear that her daughters are calling me mom.  She felt it necessary to remind me that I am not their mom, but their Aunt TT, and that she is their mother.  She said that she misses her daughters dearly.  She said she looks at photos of them every day and cries over them.  She told me that she is not trying to take the kids from me, but just wants to see them.  She spoke again of moving back home, and of her hopes for the future, then she was cut off because she filled up the allotted time for the message.


I cried a little bit after I listened to it.  The fear of no longer raising those kids is one of my worst nightmares for two reasons, 1.  She hurt them so badly when she had them, and they were so neglected, or abused by the men in her life.  2.  I can't imagine my life without them.  I called my dad.  Told him of the message, and of my fears, I cried a little bit more, then decided to pull myself together and get back to work.  I thought about how much I have changed in the last year.  Had I received that call the same time last year (when I was dealing with the custody issue against Redneck), I would have been a sobbing wreck, worthless at my job.  So I feel I have grown stronger.  The naive, accepting part of me has died a little, but so be it - if I have to become a little harder to make sure these kids are cared for - I will.  


I also reflected a bit on her message.  The one theme that rang through the entire thing was I, I, I, Me, Me, Me.  Not once did she say "what do you think would be best for the kids?" or maybe "It hurts that they call you mom, but thanks for stepping up and being that for them, as I know they need it."  It was all, "I miss them", "I am sorry", "I want this", "it hurt My feelings".  That leads me to believe she isn't ready to raise those girls because she isn't putting them first.  She is STILL after all these years, putting herself first.  I know in my heart because of this that she hasn't changed.  She didn't call to check up on them all this time she has been gone.  Why?  Probably because it hurt HER too bad.  She was irresponsible enough to get pregnant and produce another child after she bailed out on the three she all ready gave birth to.  That also tells me she is not ready to be their true and steady mother.  I hope and pray I have the sanguine strength to face the weeks, months, and years ahead of us with as much grace and dignity as possible.


The Vampire bit yesterday.  It was the first day in nearly three weeks that she bit.  I am unsure why, and when I asked her about it, she couldn't answer me.  She kept going on about how Kendyl scratched her again.  I told her that maybe she shouldn't play with Kendyl if he was going to hurt her, and she just nods at me.  She had a rough night at the therapist's too.  She pinched the therapist, and when the therapist tried to re-direct her she screamed at her, then she pulled the therapist's hair.  The therapist came out and said "Katie is being mean to me, I don't want to play with her.  Drama Queen, Aunt TT, do you want to come play with me?"  We both said yes, then got busy playing a game of Trouble (Sorry).  It bothered the Vampire for about two minutes that she couldn't play with us - then she was fine.  She ignored us and played with the kitchen set.  She interrupted once, saying she had to potty, she asked me to stay in the bathroom with her, but as I recognized this as her trying to manipulate me, I told her no, that she would be fine, and I would be in right outside the door.  She was very whiney when we got home, and resisted going to bed again.  No fever, and no other signs of illness or infection.  I don't know what is going on with her again.  I am hoping and praying that she will have a better day today.


The Drama Queen and I went for a jog when we got home last night.  It was my first time running outside... I think since I was in college...  We also took the dog, and my shoulder is throbbing cause of it.  We walked/jogged 2.2 miles in 33 minutes.  She was a real trooper, and a joy to workout with.  She talked my ear off, and I usually don't have much breath to answer her.  At one point she said, "you know - I feel like Vampire!"  I said, "why do you say that DQ?"  She responds, "cause I get to be with you and I feel special."  I say, "do you think Vampire is more special to me than you are?"  She says, "yeah, most of the time."  I then tell her that she and the Vampire are equally special to me and I love them both the same amount.  I try to explain to her that the Vampire just needs so much of our attention right now to keep her from hurting people, and that I am truly sorry if she feels I have neglected her in the process.  I say all of this as I am huffing and puffing up the largest hill in our route.  I make it a point through the rest of the run to tell DQ what a great job she is doing, and how proud of her I am.  When she is getting tired in the last 10 minutes of our jog, I tell her that she can do this, and we only have a little bit of walking/jogging left before we can go home and shower.  When we get home I tell her how proud of her I am, and how great she did at the workout, and that I hope she will go with me again in the future because I thoroughly enjoyed her company.  I tell Uncle M about what she said to me after she is in bed.  I hate that she feels any less than special in my eyes, and hope that the one on one exercise bonding time can bring us closer, and help close the gap she feels may be missing.  She is still doing wonderfully at reading, and I am so proud of her, I encourage that in her, and tell her that every day.

The girls insisted on dressing up like twins the other day.  I just had to share this photo with you guys as it is my favorite.  Uncle M captured this moment that I like to call "sisterly love".






We got the Drama Queen's ballet costume on Tuesday.  I will post a photo of it and her jazz costume soon.  We are still waiting on the Vampire's pirate costume.  I wanted to show photos of their Easter Dresses as well.  I don't know who is more excited about dressing up, me or them!  I am toying with the idea of family photos in our Easter best!!  I just have to convince Uncle M to wear a pale pink shirt to match us...  and I have to find something I can wear to match the girls...  wow I have become the person I never thought I would!


I hope you all have a lovely day!!


Aunt TT

3 comments:

  1. You tell Uncle M that REAL men wear Pink and I have a very nice real man who wears pink and purple for me ;) LOL

    ReplyDelete
  2. You did say you welcomed feedback. And I'm not being critical. But I assume you don't believe in spanking? I'm just honestly curious.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was spanked growing up. It's not that I don't believe in it - it's that it's so socially taboo. Coupled with the fact that these kids were abused, and spanking doesn't do much for the Vampire. She lashes out more and it is ENTIRELY uncontrollable. I use that as an absolute last ditch attempt with either of them.

    Also, in my situation - I will not do anything that could even remotely be viewed as abuse, as IF/WHEN I am faced with a custody case, I want nothing standing between my being their guardian.

    Thanks for the feedback! I do welcome it!!

    ReplyDelete