Monday, April 4, 2011

Winds of Change

I spent a great deal of this weekend laughing and giggling with two little girls.  It was amazing.  I didn't feel so well, but I was still able to look at those two little girls with love, and make them smile.  We stayed home, as we had work to do at home, but we just tickled and giggled whenever we could.  It's like something inside me clicked.  I have to do more for these kids than just provide a roof over their heads, food for their bellies, the opportunity to learn, and tell them I love them.  I also have to SHOW them I love them.  I have to listen to what they are saying.  No matter how busy and fast life is spinning around in my head, I have to pause that and actually listen to what they are telling me.  Let me rephrase that... I WANT to listen to what they have to say.  I want to see their faces shine when they know how very proud of them I am.  Maybe this is the magic key to solve the mystery of their acting out.

The Vampire urinated herself three times yesterday.  She just didn't want to stop doing what she was doing and go sit on the potty.  Uncle M said he is going to make her sit on the potty every 1/2 hour until she can stop peeing herself.  I think this might be a lil drastic, and am going to try to talk him into every hour.  She knows better, and just can't seem to stop.  She tried to bite the Drama Queen over the weekend, and didn't connect, but she still had to sit and spend time in time out for the incident.  Granted, the Drama Queen grabbed the hood of the Vampire's coat to stop her from swinging on the swing set, and hurt the Vampire, so I can see why she lashed out.  I am hoping with continued time and effort on our part, and the daycare's part we can just stop the biting once and for all.  Our two hour visit with the testing center is in a little less than two weeks, I will keep you updated on the results, etc.  The therapist is diagnosing her with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and is telling me she will qualify for an IEP with that, and they will have to provide her with speech therapy.  This is wonderful news as she needs it, her insurance carrier cut her current speech therapy in half, and her current speech therapist is concentrating on social interactions, and less on actual speech therapy.  I will keep you posted on this.  

The Drama Queen had a melt down on me today about her hairbrush not being where it belonged.  She couldn't find it.  So she tried to blame the Vampire for it's disappearance, and she yelled at me some nonsense about how I told her to look in the kitchen and it was there so I must have moved it.  I told her I would never do something that cruel to her, and from now on she is only allowed to brush her hair in the bathroom, so her brush is never misplaced.  At this point she stops speaking to me and is just grunting when I try to talk to her.  She sounds like a mummy out of an old horror film, and I giggle every time she makes the noise.  This makes her even angrier, and she makes the mummy sound... I giggle again.  She cracks a smile but does her very best to hide it.  After I get done pulling her hair back out of her face I pull her on my lap and begin to tickle her and get her to giggle with me.  I tell her that we never know how much time we have together, and we might as well enjoy each other while we have each other.  I hold her close, fight back the tears, keep the smile on my face, then set her up to brush her teeth so we can scoot out the door. 

The Drama Queen called me mom 80% of the time over the weekend.  It's so natural now, that I don't jolt when I hear it, and I actually answer her without missing a beat 75% of the time I hear it.  I am reflecting on all of this, because my mom contacted me to let me know that my sister is in town.... for good.  So many things run through my mind when I think of this.  Will we bump into her at the grocery?  Mom said she is looking for a daycare, will she pick the one the Vampire is at by chance?  They are looking for jobs in the area now, so they are here for good.  They are not living in the same town as mom and dad or the girls, Uncle M, and I, but the town that is in between our places of residence.  How will I explain to the girls who that baby is if we see them out in public.  How will the girls handle seeing their mom after all this time?  Should I tell them she is in town right now, so that if they do see her, they never thought I lied to them?  I couldn't bear that if they thought I lied to them.  Will they want to go and be with her on a regular basis, and pull away from me now?  How will I handle it if they do want to be with her?  How will I react when I am surprised by seeing her out in public, and have less time to suppress the tornado of emotions brewing inside me?  How soon will it be before she begins demanding to see her kids on a regular basis.  What will that do to the dynamics of the little family I have worked so hard on for nearly two years.  Will she begin paying child support - and ruin my chances of adopting these kids.  So many questions.  No one to provide the answers.  Just time. 

I dealt with a bout of depression the last two weeks.  I didn't train for my 5k at all last week.  I am starting again today at week 4 in the training program.  I also packed my lunch/breakfast, and intend to eat healthier again.  I can't let my sister's actions sabotage my health and well being.  My friend and I registered for the 5k on Saturday.  I am registered for a 5K.  Me.  WOW.  I'll keep you posted on how that goes.  

I wonder how different my life with Uncle M would have been had none of this happened.  I wonder if we would be married by now, and starting a family of our own, as one of the reasons none of that has happened are the expenses we foot daily in raising these precious girls.  Please don't think I am being silly at letting this stop us from moving forward in our own life.  I honestly could not afford another child.  Daycare expenses for 2-3 children would bankrupt me.  So I have to suppress the anger I have toward my sister.  For her reckless abandon to produce kids then bail on them, because in my mind - it prevented me from having my own.  But I know that isn't entirely true.  It's a conscious decision I made because of my situation.  So my anger subsides a little.  I will try to keep you posted on what happens with her back in town.  It does my heart good to get all of this out in the open instead of holding onto these feelings.  The kids always come first, but I still have feelings, and still need to deal with them.  So thanks for reading, and being my sounding board.  The changes are set in motion - they are out of my control.  Now all I can do is make the best decisions in the situations I am in. 

Aunt TT

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