Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Mistakes

I am human.  I make mistakes.  I will always make mistakes.  No matter how hard I try not to.  At the ripe old age of 31 - I am learning that it is no fun trying to be perfect.  Yes, I am such a perfectionist that I have tried for 31 long and exhausting years to be perfect.  I'm here to say now...  I'm laying down my gauntlets and walking away from that battle... well most of the way.

To those I have wronged.  I am sorry.  I am sure I had my reasons.  They may not have made sense to you.  It may have hurt your feelings or your pride, but I truly didn't do whatever I did to hurt you.  I (like you) have my own demons that I struggle with.  I take one day at a time, one step at a time and just try do to what I feel is best.  I'm sorry if you don't agree with me, but if I agree with you or not, I will try to respect your decisions.  I hope you pay me the same courtesy. 

I have wrestled with my conscience enough about my decision to call Children's Services on my sister.  I stumbled across the photos of DQ's beaten, bruised, backside the other day, and my resolve was strengthened.  I nearly cried thinking about how terrified that little girl was, and how it still torments her to a degree.  This sweet little girl still doesn't trust me.  I have never hit her in anger, I have never hurt her on purpose, I have never left her in harm's way - and she still doesn't trust that I will always be there.  I want to mend that trust issue so bad, but I know it's something she has to deal with, and I just have to keep being that constant that she can trust. 

I did what I had to, in the moment I had to make a difficult decision.  I am standing by my decision and I will do whatever I can to protect both of these angels from harm's way.  If I was not willing to do that, I would be no better off than my sister, and I would not deserve to be called their guardian.  I know I won't be perfect when I am their guardian, and I know I will make mistakes.  I don't know if I'm sealing my own coffin for the teenage years, but I have made it a point to be honest with these kids when I make mistakes.  I have shown that I am a parent, and I have the right to make decisions for them right now, but I also am a human being, and sometimes I will do things I shouldn't have.  I am going to show them that it is OK to forgive yourself when you make mistakes, because if I continue to beat myself up and refuse myself forgiveness - they will learn to do the same thing.  I don't want them to struggle and suffer as I have.

Now that I got that off my chest, I will tell you about the Vampire's ASD results.  The tester said that she is highly intelligent.  She tested between 94-121 on the IQ tests that were administered.  In fluid reasoning she tested at 121, and the tester said she thinks that could be b/c that is a skill the Vampire had to hone to survive with her bio mom.  She had to be aware of emotions of others, and how to react to them for her own survival.  I nearly broke down into tears when the tester was saying this to me.  I have fallen deeply in love with this troubled child, and wanted to hang my head in shame for not acting on her behalf sooner.

The tester said that the Vampire COULD have an ASD.  She said that if she does, it is more than likely Aspergers Syndrome.  She told me that she didn't want to diagnose her with anything at this time as her having been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) prevented her from making a diagnosis.  She explained to me that some of the traits of Aspergers that she is exhibiting are also traits of PTSD, and that she didn't want to label her with something that could be incorrect.  I understand that thinking, however I was a little let down that there wasn't a clear black or white diagnosis that I could hit the ground running with.  I am learning, slowly but surely that parenting isn't about something concrete, but something fluid and ever changing.  It's all about finding what works, and when that quits working, to find something else. 

So I am not giving up.  I hope to talk to her therapist about the results, then see what she thinks.  If she still wants me to pursue the IEP, then I will.  I will continue working with her on her speech, as will Uncle M.  He has been a great help with that.  I will continue to praise the positives and ignore the negatives (unless they are really bad - then she will have a time out).  In the past few months, I have seen such a loving and kind little girl shine.  She was so good this weekend, although she was tired, she was a trooper.  I was so proud of her, and I heaped my love and praise all over her.  Even when she is just standing there doing nothing, I make it a point to lean down and whisper "I love you.", or kiss her forehead.  She was so tolerant and good as I applied make-up to her all ready gorgeous face.  She beamed like a ray of sunshine as she looked in the mirror, and told me, "I'm so pretty!"  She sat so still and listened to the photographer during her dance photos.  I was beaming with pride.  Last night was a set back - she scratched the dance teacher, but Uncle M took her home and put her to bed, and that was that.  We let her know she can't act like that, and we both hope that next week is 100% better.  It is all we can do.  It is entirely her choice if she will make good decisions or not.  All we can do is give her the tools, and be there to praise or re-direct her.


I was also beaming with pride over DQ.  She was also tired, but sat for the full hour it took to roll her hair in sponge rollers.  She didn't want to sit under the hair dryer, but knew that her curls might not be completely dry due to the length of her hair, and she did anyway while watching Barbie's Three Musketeers movie.  She posed so pretty in all of her photos, and her dazzling green eyes were so gorgeous.  I couldn't have asked for better subjects to dress up for this special occasion.  I am so blessed. 





I can guarantee more photos in the near future.  A proud dance mom just can't help but show and share her lovely dance daughters accomplishments off.  An update on bio mom - she hasn't called and asked to see the kids.  She did text me and tell me to tell them Happy Easter last Sunday.  So that is still where we stand.

Aunt TT

1 comment:

  1. I love the pictures of the girls. I'm glad you are getting V tested and that maybe there's some mysteries soon to be solved. I just have to say, every time I read a blog post of yours, I'm so impressed by how you handle all of these situations. Sure, you'll goof up sometimes, but just seeing how you own up to it and move on is very inspiring. I can take a giant lesson there! :-)

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