Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mothers Day 2011

There is a certain amount of guilt involved with raising someone else's children. Especially on a day like today. I have felt like just curling up in a secluded place and crying all day. Every sweet text or hug from a loved one wishing me a Happy Mothers day has been so genuine, but felt so undeserved.

I did not give birth to these angels. I am raising them. I can't help but wonder how my sister feels today. Her infant son is not old enough to wish her a Happy Mothers day. My mom won't call to wish her a Happy Mothers day. I won't call to wish her Happy Mothers day. Her friends probably will. Her boyfriend probably will. I am surrounded by family and loved ones, she might not be. I have her children. I know she misses them. I feel like such a poser, walking in her shoes.

On the other hand, I am doing all the work to ensure her kids are well cared for. Day in and day out I am the person who does the job that their mom should be doing. I lose sleep when they are sick. I spend the money and time on dance. I make sure they are at school and share in the joy of what they are learning. I tuck them in at night, and hold them close if they have had a nightmare.  I wipe butts, and noses, and bandage cuts/scrapes.  I shoulder the burden of their anger.  

So why do I feel so guilty being told what a great mom I am? Why did I feel like crying when DQ came into the bedroom at 7:30 to be the first to tell me Happy Mothers day? Why have I struggled all day with feelings of being less than worthy of the title, "mom"? I guess it is the compassion I have for my sister. I guess that I am afraid she is miserable today, and that somehow I have inflicted that misery on her - by simply raising her children. I have been trying to suck it up, and smile. I have tried to hide the hurt residing deep in my soul. It just hurts all the worse. Maybe that pain is all part of raising my sister's kids.

The day ended with DQ telling me how much I don't love her, Vampire being so tired she tried to go to sleep on Uncle M's lap during dinner, and me realizing that not every day is going to be ideal.  It is just making the most of what we have.  We had a very busy weekend.  We went to the a festival and a good friend's house on Saturday.  Today we went to my mom's house, then a carnival, and ended with dinner with another good friend.  I need to quit over thinking things and worrying about what might happen.  I need to enjoy the moment.  I am blessed to have these kids in my life.  I am lucky to be their "mom".  So I will just keep pushing through the guilt, and knowing that I am doing the right thing, and that even though some will be hurt by this, it is more important for me to keep at it, as the children may be healed. 


Aunt TT

2 comments:

  1. lori3679 (from SP)May 18, 2011 at 4:37 PM

    I don't know you very well but from what I can tell, you have absolutly no reason to feel guilty. YOU are doing what is best for those girls. Their mother was not. Don't ever think any different. You enjoy each and every Mother's Day. You deserve it. Hugs!

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  2. I am daily inspired by how awesome you are. You work so hard to raise those girls and I won't mind telling you that even though it's a good thing that you have compassion for your sister, try not to feel like you are causing her misery. The fact is that she walked away from these girls (and her eldest son) and I feel sad for the small baby left with her because I just can't imagine (as a mother myself) walking away from my children just to have another one somewhere else. It's unfathomable and probably not really for me to say....I just don't want you to think that you picking up the slack and kicking major butt at it could ever be a bad thing. They could be in a much nastier situation and yet they aren't because of you. I count you as a mom, because your motherhood training is trial-by-fire and probably a lot harder than most mom's have had. You go ahead and celebrate Mother's Day and enjoy every sweet moment of it--you've by far earned it!

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