Sunday, June 5, 2011

Dinner by a 6 Year Old

All day yesterday, M and I kept asking DQ what she was going to fix for dinner. At first she pouted and wouldn't talk to us. Then she decided that we would have pizza for dinner. I told her that's fine, but we have to make the dough. So I told her (at 2:30) that she would have to get out of the kiddie pool and come help me get the bread machine going. She backed out at that point, figuring it would be too much work. Then she decided that we would have Mac N Cheese. M told her at that point that Mac N Cheese doesn't cover all four food groups. So she decided to make burgers, corn, mac and cheese, and fruit salad.

She did very well cooking. I hovered in the kitchen the entire time and did everything she couldn't. M made her tell him when it was time to flip the burgers on the grill, and she stayed at the stove and stirred the mac n cheese. She wasn't sure how to mix the mac n cheese, and asked M if she should pour the cheese mixture in the boiling water with the noodles. He looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. I looked at her with my worried, motherly look and said, "read the box." She insisted she couldn't, but I knew she could and coaxed her to do it.

Dinner didn't turn out too bad at all. I passed on the Sponge Bob Squarepants mac and cheese, and just had an ear of corn with my bean burger. I'm going through a meat free period. I do that now and then. She was very proud of her dinner. She kept asking if she did a good job by asking us if it was good. I kept assuring her it was delicious, but she needs to remember how much hard work went into the meal next time she thinks she doesn't like something M or I make. She seemed humbled.

I did not stay on track with my eating today. I will admit I have been a little depressed. Money has been stressing me out. I will get through this. I will find a way to pay for daycare and all my bills, etc. I stayed relatively active by cleaning house. I cleaned from top to bottom. Most all of the laundry is done. For dinner tonight I let the girls do what I call "choose your own adventure" pizza where I let them shape the crust and decide what goes on it, then I pop it in the oven for them. It's usually a hit. DQ wasn't happy with hers tonite cause she played with the dough too much and it wasn't as elastic as it should have been, and a lot of the oil I coated it with absorbed in her hands so it began to stick to the pan. Vampire had me help with hers.

My sister (the girls mother) texted me today too. It just said "happy early birthday. I love you. Hug the girls for me". I always feel awful when I get a "squishy" text like this. That little seed of guilt for having had to call Children's Services on my own flesh and blood grows a little when she is nice, loving and kind to me. It's an emotional battle for me. It's so easy to say that you love someone - it's quite another to actually SHOW it. Every time I see her say she loves me or the kids, I want it to be true. Well let me rephrase that. I know she means she loves us, but I wish she could show it. All of my adult life she has used my feelings for these kids against me. She has an addiction. I've never understood it. Don't know if I will ever be able to. Sometimes I wish I did more for her. I wish I was less involved with my own life, and more involved with hers. I wish she had turned to me instead of drugs. I wish I could have saved her.

I couldn't save her. So now I am saving her kids. Or at least trying to. It's just an off day for me. I usually have off days when my sister contacts me. All the regrets, worry, guilt, etc. come floating back to the surface. Over the next few days I will be able to repress them again, since there really is no fixing them. I will be good for the next few weeks till there is another text. Maybe the next text I will be stronger, and more capable of not letting the flood of emotions overpower me. There are only so many times anyone can go down the same road without learning from their mistakes. Maybe in writing about mine, I will be able to read back and learn from them. So please don't feel bad for me, because after I get these thoughts out of my mind, I am going to finish folding clothes, finish playing fetch with Lil Bit, our calico retriever, then go to sleep. Tomorrow is a brand new day for all of us!

I hope you had a wonderful weekend!

Aunt TT

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