Saturday, July 9, 2011

Not the end of the world....

.....  but still so hard to cope with.  I'm so afraid that the Vampire is autistic.  Yes.  I understand it is not the end of the world.  I still love her.  I will still fight for her, and do everything I can to support her.  I am past the point of blindly trusting that things will just get better.  She is four, and so strong willed, so aggressive, so problematic!  I don't have much of a basis of comparison, but I know that this is NOT how "normal" children behave.  What am I saying "normal"?  What the heck is "normal" anyway?  Who is "normal"?  I don't think I ever have been.

She is so difficult.  She fights me every step of the way.  I am not the kind of parent who gives into their kids just because they fight for what they want - so every day is this huge fight.  I am so tired of fighting.  She can't seem to understand respect.  She refuses to follow direction.  She can not be quiet.  She picks at DQ to the point that DQ can't stand to be around her.  If Vampire breathes in DQ's general direction, it's a fight.  So M and I are always playing referee.  She peed herself multiple times yesterday at daycare.  She can go weeks without peeing herself, then suddenly she thinks it's OK to sit around in urine soaked undies.  They have been able to keep the biting at a minimum but only b/c they have a 3rd adult in the room that is Vampire's constant shadow.  So the biting is diminishing, but the aggression is still kind of hardcore.  She was pretty much a bully on her birthday.  I hate thinking that my kid is "the bully".  I keep seeing more and more ASD symptoms in the Vampire that terrify me.  I don't want her to be like her older brother.  I love Z-man, but it is so hard to communicate with him.  I feel like a horrible person for admitting that, but his autism is so very difficult to cope with, and I fear that Vampire is going down the very same path.  I fear being exhausted, and fighting her for the rest of my life.

Z-man was at our house on Weds when I got home from work b/c M had picked him up from his therapy.  Backtracking further...  Z-man's therapy takes place at the Vampire's daycare.  So I come home to chaos (after a craptastic day where I spent my lunch break crying after being treated like crap by a salesman at the other store).  Z-man has this really whiny voice when he is upset.  It's this mixture of yelling/crying/whining.  He is nearly incomprehensible when he does this.  His speech isn't "normal" to begin with, but this is off the charts.  My mom is off work by now and picking him up from our place.  He is doing that yell/cry thing at her because he can't find his socks.  I help him find them, by moving the couch - just knew they were under there.  Five to ten minutes later, he seems calm, in control, and I start talking to him about his day.  I learn from mom that he visited a local kids camp (where I went to camp in 6th grade), and try to talk to him about the zip line, and this really cool swing they have.  He flat out clams up.  He WILL NOT speak to me.  He won't look at me.  He won't acknowledge me.  I know it is part of the autism, but I am still a little heartbroken.  Here I think I can connect with the kid by talking about something from my past that maybe he did today, and he's just mentally gone.  Like he mentally crawled into a hole, and refuses to come back out.  I get down on his level, make eye contact, and try to talk to him.  He just looks away and begins doing something else.  He and mom leave a little while later.  He doesn't even say good bye to me when I tell him goodbye.  I give him a quick hug.  I am lost, and can't understand why he clammed up on me as mom says he had a really good time on the swing, and had a good day.  I try not to take it personally, but it's so hard.  I feel like I just lost years of respect with this kid because he chose NOT to talk to me, and there was nothing I could do to convince him otherwise.  He was so oppositional towards me.

The Vampire exhibits the same traits.  She has been doing the highly annoying yell/cry/whine thing.  She is incomprehensible when she does it.  She has always been aggressive like Z-man was before he was placed on medicine.  She was up at 6:15 this morning and was told she could play quietly in her bed since she is wide awake and can't go back to sleep.  I was trying to get ready for work.  M wanted to sleep in a little bit.  It's like she didn't even hear me tell her to be quiet twice and M tell her once.  She's out of her bed running around giggling, yelling, laughing.  I love to see her have fun, but can she do it quietly?  No.  DQ is being mostly quiet.  V isn't even trying.  I tell them to get back in their beds, that I don't want to hear another peep.  I get done with my shower, and can still hear all the ruckus.  I can't always re-direct them.  I can't always sit down on the floor to play with them.  I snap and tell them that if I hear anything else from them I will swat their bottoms and put them back in bed.  I go back to getting ready for work.  Now they are creeping into the bathroom saying they have to potty.  I tell them one at a time.  They both take their sweet time, and fool around.  I'm just trying to get done so I can be out the door and to work on time.  It is a stressful start to the day.

It's not always like this.  Today is just a bad day.  I'm tired.  Work has been stressful.  Life has been stressful the past few weeks.  I'm a miserable failure when it comes to dieting as I eat in times of stress.  Hello chocolate!  It's just one of those days where you wish you could crawl into bed and stay there for awhile.  For those who aren't up on my blog - YES.  I have had the Vampire tested for ASD.  They told me she COULD have it, but aren't going to diagnose as she has been diagnosed with PTSD.   M doesn't think she is autistic.  I don't know if he is right or in denial.  I really haven't been able to figure that out yet. 

In more positive news today marks three weeks since I have heard from their biological mom.  The bills are all paid for the month of June.  I still have a job and I still work with a (mostly, except for the salesman at the other store) wonderful group of people.  M still has a job, and although he has not received the raise he expected, he does still enjoy the job and the folks he works with.  Vampire is in the best daycare she could possibly be in.  DQ seems to be enjoying her summer daycare.  We are healthy.  There is a new Conan movie due out later this year.  My new sewing machine works well (and is quieter than my old one for some reason).  Thanks again to M and his family for my sewing machine gift.  Love you all.  We have decided on Halloween costumes for this fall.  I just need to get busy sewing them.  My cell phone still works although I have dropped it countless times.  My pets are healthy, and the best companions a person could ask for.  My car is still running, and I did not ruin my brakes hauling the camper on back roads last weekend.  We never go without food, and the girls have plenty of clothes.  Zombies have not yet taken over the world.  There is a public (supposedly free) online school that I can enroll DQ in if all else fails, and I can't get her into the school I want.  I'm a fan of homeschool anyway, and wish that I could be a stay at home mom to provide that to these kids, but that's just not how the cookie crumbles.  My favorite ink pen still works.  My loved ones are alive and healthy.  Focus on the positives.  Just focus on the positives.

Aunt TT

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