Wednesday, November 23, 2011

"And You'll Be Walking on Air"

Let me start this post with the sad dreary things, then I will end it with all of the good things in life!

First sad dreary thing...  I took Corwyn to be euthanized last Wednesday.  Dad went with me.  I'm so happy he did.  I had my times mixed up and the shelter didn't open until 1:00, but we arrived there promptly at 11:00.  The lady who opened the door at 11:10 to tell us that they were closed, and we had to come back later, was ever so kind, and took my Cornie cat into the building even though they weren't open.  I was crying and I told her that I didn't think he would be able to make it much longer.  She said she understood, and the vet on site agreed to euthanize him.  I held him, and said my goodbyes.  It was easier than I thought, as I had been saying my goodbyes since he was diagnosed, lavishing love and affection all over him for the past few weeks.  He isn't in pain anymore.  He is free of this mortal coil, and can now enjoy the afterlife.  Precious Corwyn.  I will post photos of him on my next entry.  There are some really good ones I want to share with you all.

Next sad and dreary thing...  My sister.  Let me back this up a little bit.  I have a good friend who recently adopted a baby.  So excited.  So happy for her.  I just went on a little shopping spree for the baby b/c Auntie TT just can't help but dress baby girls up.  They're soooo adorable!  Anyway while she was going through the months leading up to adopting this precious angel, we met one night for dinner.  We talked about all sorts of stuff and I asked her if she wanted an open or a closed adoption with the birth parents.  She stated that she wanted an open adoption, because when the baby was older, she didn't want her to rebel b/c she didn't know who her birth mom was.  She didn't want her to fantasize about this mysterious woman, and set out on a quest to find her, etc.  Which is a very grown up way of viewing it all.  So it got me to thinking of my own situation...

My sister is a biological mom who isn't really a part of her children's lives anymore.  Sad as it is, that is the truth.  We haven't heard from her since June.  There haven't been any developments since then in either of the biological parent's communication to me or the girls.  So it really got me to thinking that one day, my sweet girls are going to grow up and wonder more about their biological mom.  I talk to them about her a little here and there.  I tell them how very much I miss her.  Especially when they are fighting with each other, and seem to hate each other.  I tell them that I wish I had never fought with their mommy because I miss her so much now.  DQ has hands shaped exactly like her mommy, and when I polish her fingernails, I tell her that.  That makes her happy, to think that she is part of her mommy.  Regardless of what has happened to these children they still love her.  V doesn't really remember her much, and is very happy to consider me her real mom, but the older she gets, the more we will explain, and the more she will understand. 

But in the here and now...  should I open and explore visitation with my sister?  I carry guilt that she hasn't seen her children.  The rational part of me knows that it is her own doing right now that she hasn't, because I don't even know where she is or how to contact her.  But if I were to dig, I could probably unlock those secrets, as my other sister met with her in June when she was here in Ohio.  I am apprehensive.  Is this a door I want to open?  Will it prevent the girls from fantasizing about her when they are in their rebellious teenage years?  Do I open them up to the heartbreak now, so they can heal from it before they are older (and more dangerous - running away, physical harm, drinking, smoking, etc.)?  Do I remove the mystery of the birth mom, and let them see her for what she really is - instead of trying to protect them from the truth?  It is something I need to talk to my mom, and their counselor about.  Their counselor thinks they aren't ready, but they are such strong willed little girls.  I know they can do anything they put their minds to.  It's just getting them to put their minds to surviving heartache.  But I'm open to your suggestions as well.  I always walk such a thin line between right and wrong it seems.  I have a feeling that my older brother believes I am doing wrong by "keeping" them apart, but I wonder if he understands that in the entire 2 years and 5 months she has been gone, she has only asked to see them once.  And then she didn't really ask.  She just informed me that she would like joint custody with them.  She wanted them 1/2 the year, and for me to have them the other 1/2.  That would crush me.  I feel in my heart it wouldn't be the best thing for them either.  I can't see her being any more stable than she was two years ago.  Sometimes I hate my position, as much joy as it brings - there is a degree of sorrow.

Now for the good lighthearted stuff! 

I'm still on baby watch for my good friend.  She is due in the beginning of December, but with it being her 2nd birth... she could go any time!  I have been keeping my phone near at all times, and the ringer turned up loud enough that I won't miss any calls. 

As I mentioned above, another good friend of mine recently adopted a baby girl born 11/10/11.  I still need to get up to see her, and her beautiful little E.  I just haven't had the time, and she's been so swamped with folks coming to meet the new addition to her family.  I will need to get up soon, though b/c I really want to give her the cutesy outfits that I picked up (really inexpensive) at one of my favorite stores!

I have evolved into a new Aunt TT.  I feel like although I am 32 years old I am coming out of my shell.  I have been playing with my hair and make-up and getting positive feedback on it.  I always wore brown eyeshadow, and grey eyeliner, but lately I have been playing with "smokey eyes" and all sorts of other colors.  I've been having fun, and not caring much if someone likes or dislikes what I have done with my hair or makeup.  I only hope that I get brave enough to try the 1940's Victory Rolls one of these days.  I love the 20's-50's hair styles.  Maybe I was born in the wrong era?  Nah.  I'm too mouthy to have been a subservient wife.  :)

I have fallen in love with Kerli's music.  I have been drawing strength from her song "Walking on Air".  Let me quote you my favorite parts of the song so you can see why:

"Do you know what it's all about?
Are you brave enough to figure out?
Know that you could set your world on fire
If you are strong enough to leave your doubts
Feel it and breathe it, believe it
And you'll be walking on air
Go try, go fly so high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this, unless you kill this
Go on and you're forgiven
I knew that, I could feel that
I feel like I am walking on air"

So empowering.  Come with me.  Let's Walk on Air. 

Aunt TT

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Have you ever...

gone through so many changes in your life that you are restless?  You can't sit still.  You can't concentrate.  You can't focus on even the smallest of things in life?  That is how I have felt lately.  It's part of the reason I haven't sat down to write up a blog about the goings and comings of our little family.  There hasn't been a whole lot that has happened in my absence.  I'll give you a quick run through.

Baata came home.  He is healthy, doing well as far as I can tell.  A few days before Bombaata came home,  we adopted Corwyn.  Sweet Corwyn.  I feel in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him.  My bleeding heart couldn't visit the shelter looking for Baata that many times, and NOT bring home a stray.  Another orange Tom - who is so lovable, that he tolerates Elmira... I mean Vampire's affections.  He stole my heart.  It was love at first sight when he nose dived at my face when he wanted affection.  We thought he was a great (and cheap at an adoption for 10.00 - neuter and all) addition to our family.  Well two weeks ago we discovered that he has FIP (Feline Infectious Peritonitis).  It is fatal.  He is in the final stages.  I have been struggling with the decision of when it is time to euthanize him.  He is so thin and frail.  I start thinking his quality of life is compromised to the point that it is time to say fare well - then he starts eating, or drinking, or purring, and I think what is right?!?!  FIP is contagious.  He could have infected Lil Bit and Bombaata too.  I spend the days hoping, praying, wishing that they will survive this, and be OK.  Baata is so old that I really worry about him.  So I know I will lose Corwyn, and soon - and I fear that Baata has succumbed to this horrible virus.  Adopting that sweet little angel may have been the worst decision I have ever made. 

For Halloween, we were Gnomes.  We won a few costume contests.  It was really nice, really fun, but all overshadowed to coming home to discover that Corwyn is sick.

Vampire really slacked off in her biting, but she's picking it back up again.  She is averaging about 1 bite every two weeks.  She pushes M's and my buttons so much.  It's like she LIKES to be in trouble.  It's not little things either.  It's hitting her sister, breaking toys that don't belong to her, trying to touch things she's been told not to.  Just last Tuesday, she knocked a few jars of grape jelly off a shelf at the store.  They shattered all over the place, and I had to tell a clerk - who said they would clean it up, and I wouldn't be charged.  She told me it was an accident, and I could tell it was, but after that incident.... she kept touching EVERYTHING, then looking at me and saying "It was an Accident!"  It was an exhausting trip to the store.

School is in full swing for DQ.  She is constantly getting in trouble, or on a warning for talking.  She talks to anyone and everyone that she quite possibly  can.  The therapist is wanting to test her for ADD.  I hate those terms.  Hate them all with a passion.  So we are looking at her diet, and talking to a nutritionist.  We need to talk to one anyway due to Vampire's being 4 years old, and fitting snugly in 6/6x - so we might kill two birds with one stone.

I've had baby fever, with all the babies being born around me.  A good friend of mine has asked me to doula on her second birth.  I am ecstatic about this.  I LOVE being able to help bring a baby into the world.  It is the best gift anyone could give me.  I'm starting to prepare for her big day in all the ways I possibly can.  I'm honored and blessed to be included in this!   She is going to be doing a natural birth again, and is such an incredible woman for being able to do that.  I just love her. 

I will try to get into writing more again.  I've missed talking to all of you, and hearing your thoughts on what goes on in my life. 

Aunt TT