Wednesday, November 23, 2011

"And You'll Be Walking on Air"

Let me start this post with the sad dreary things, then I will end it with all of the good things in life!

First sad dreary thing...  I took Corwyn to be euthanized last Wednesday.  Dad went with me.  I'm so happy he did.  I had my times mixed up and the shelter didn't open until 1:00, but we arrived there promptly at 11:00.  The lady who opened the door at 11:10 to tell us that they were closed, and we had to come back later, was ever so kind, and took my Cornie cat into the building even though they weren't open.  I was crying and I told her that I didn't think he would be able to make it much longer.  She said she understood, and the vet on site agreed to euthanize him.  I held him, and said my goodbyes.  It was easier than I thought, as I had been saying my goodbyes since he was diagnosed, lavishing love and affection all over him for the past few weeks.  He isn't in pain anymore.  He is free of this mortal coil, and can now enjoy the afterlife.  Precious Corwyn.  I will post photos of him on my next entry.  There are some really good ones I want to share with you all.

Next sad and dreary thing...  My sister.  Let me back this up a little bit.  I have a good friend who recently adopted a baby.  So excited.  So happy for her.  I just went on a little shopping spree for the baby b/c Auntie TT just can't help but dress baby girls up.  They're soooo adorable!  Anyway while she was going through the months leading up to adopting this precious angel, we met one night for dinner.  We talked about all sorts of stuff and I asked her if she wanted an open or a closed adoption with the birth parents.  She stated that she wanted an open adoption, because when the baby was older, she didn't want her to rebel b/c she didn't know who her birth mom was.  She didn't want her to fantasize about this mysterious woman, and set out on a quest to find her, etc.  Which is a very grown up way of viewing it all.  So it got me to thinking of my own situation...

My sister is a biological mom who isn't really a part of her children's lives anymore.  Sad as it is, that is the truth.  We haven't heard from her since June.  There haven't been any developments since then in either of the biological parent's communication to me or the girls.  So it really got me to thinking that one day, my sweet girls are going to grow up and wonder more about their biological mom.  I talk to them about her a little here and there.  I tell them how very much I miss her.  Especially when they are fighting with each other, and seem to hate each other.  I tell them that I wish I had never fought with their mommy because I miss her so much now.  DQ has hands shaped exactly like her mommy, and when I polish her fingernails, I tell her that.  That makes her happy, to think that she is part of her mommy.  Regardless of what has happened to these children they still love her.  V doesn't really remember her much, and is very happy to consider me her real mom, but the older she gets, the more we will explain, and the more she will understand. 

But in the here and now...  should I open and explore visitation with my sister?  I carry guilt that she hasn't seen her children.  The rational part of me knows that it is her own doing right now that she hasn't, because I don't even know where she is or how to contact her.  But if I were to dig, I could probably unlock those secrets, as my other sister met with her in June when she was here in Ohio.  I am apprehensive.  Is this a door I want to open?  Will it prevent the girls from fantasizing about her when they are in their rebellious teenage years?  Do I open them up to the heartbreak now, so they can heal from it before they are older (and more dangerous - running away, physical harm, drinking, smoking, etc.)?  Do I remove the mystery of the birth mom, and let them see her for what she really is - instead of trying to protect them from the truth?  It is something I need to talk to my mom, and their counselor about.  Their counselor thinks they aren't ready, but they are such strong willed little girls.  I know they can do anything they put their minds to.  It's just getting them to put their minds to surviving heartache.  But I'm open to your suggestions as well.  I always walk such a thin line between right and wrong it seems.  I have a feeling that my older brother believes I am doing wrong by "keeping" them apart, but I wonder if he understands that in the entire 2 years and 5 months she has been gone, she has only asked to see them once.  And then she didn't really ask.  She just informed me that she would like joint custody with them.  She wanted them 1/2 the year, and for me to have them the other 1/2.  That would crush me.  I feel in my heart it wouldn't be the best thing for them either.  I can't see her being any more stable than she was two years ago.  Sometimes I hate my position, as much joy as it brings - there is a degree of sorrow.

Now for the good lighthearted stuff! 

I'm still on baby watch for my good friend.  She is due in the beginning of December, but with it being her 2nd birth... she could go any time!  I have been keeping my phone near at all times, and the ringer turned up loud enough that I won't miss any calls. 

As I mentioned above, another good friend of mine recently adopted a baby girl born 11/10/11.  I still need to get up to see her, and her beautiful little E.  I just haven't had the time, and she's been so swamped with folks coming to meet the new addition to her family.  I will need to get up soon, though b/c I really want to give her the cutesy outfits that I picked up (really inexpensive) at one of my favorite stores!

I have evolved into a new Aunt TT.  I feel like although I am 32 years old I am coming out of my shell.  I have been playing with my hair and make-up and getting positive feedback on it.  I always wore brown eyeshadow, and grey eyeliner, but lately I have been playing with "smokey eyes" and all sorts of other colors.  I've been having fun, and not caring much if someone likes or dislikes what I have done with my hair or makeup.  I only hope that I get brave enough to try the 1940's Victory Rolls one of these days.  I love the 20's-50's hair styles.  Maybe I was born in the wrong era?  Nah.  I'm too mouthy to have been a subservient wife.  :)

I have fallen in love with Kerli's music.  I have been drawing strength from her song "Walking on Air".  Let me quote you my favorite parts of the song so you can see why:

"Do you know what it's all about?
Are you brave enough to figure out?
Know that you could set your world on fire
If you are strong enough to leave your doubts
Feel it and breathe it, believe it
And you'll be walking on air
Go try, go fly so high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this, unless you kill this
Go on and you're forgiven
I knew that, I could feel that
I feel like I am walking on air"

So empowering.  Come with me.  Let's Walk on Air. 

Aunt TT

2 comments:

  1. I've been vastly absent from your blog recently. I'm sorry! Call it lameness and let it be.

    I personally, without knowing you, think that you are doing a fabulous job with these girls. I don't blame you for your apprehension about letting your sister see them, as well as understanding the guilt that can creep up because you want to do what is right for them. That pretty much sums up motherhood, right there! Apprehension and guilt. Oh! And joy. ;-)

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  2. I know how hard it is to show only the positive side to your girls while you have to cope with all the negatives. Have folks around you saying you are breaking up the family/keeping them from her/etc when she has no interest in seeing them. I think you are doing the best you can and those girls are so lucky to have you. I realize that isn't the advice you soliticed, but I really don't think any of us can advise you - I would put my trust in the girls' counselor since they are the mental health pro. Good luck. ~ Mrs. BLT

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