Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A Rotating Christmas Tree

I am sitting in my silent house.  Alone.  I can't tell you how many times in the past few weeks, I have wished for just a moment like this.  Especially last weekend when I decided to take a bath to clear my stopped up sinuses.  I mixed up a cocktail of baby oil, eucalyptus oil, and lavender oil and poured it into a steamy bath-tub.  I broke out my old copy of Bag of Bones by Stephen King, and settled down to relax.  DQ and V were in the living room watching ABC Family as they have a slew of Christmas movies on right now.  Every commercial break, V would come bursting into the bathroom and say, "How's your bath?"  It was so stinking cute that I couldn't be irritated with her, but smile and say, "It's fine.  How's your movie?"  She would ramble off about the dogs that were trying to rescue Santa Claus, and then toddle off to watch the movie again - being very mindful to shut the door behind her.  I can't help but smile at this.

So I'm off track.  I'm alone right now.  The kids and M are at therapy.  We split up because early on in the month the girls therapist asked us if we would please let some ladies that she knows sponsor our family for Christmas.  These ladies are due at any moment to deliver the gifts from Santa - and this will all be a huge surprise for DQ and V.  Now I have been on the giving end of sponsoring families every year for the past 4-5 years.  My co-workers and I usually sponsor someone and try to make some Christmas wishes come true.  I only wish that I could give in the magnitude that today....  what we have received.  I sit here in silence at my kitchen table.  The only noises are the clothes spinning in the dryer, and M's rotating Christmas tree.  A tree that wouldn't be up if it weren't for him.  It keeps trying to unwrap the presents that we have under it.  Every so often I hear the lower branches scrape across the top of the highest gift.

You know so often since I have received the blessing that is two beautiful girls, I have wished for peace.  For quiet.  When they are fighting for instance.  Or when they are running through the house being unruly, and my head is throbbing.  I have wished for silence when taking DQ on a jog with me because she just can't stop talking!  But now here I am.  In this still house, waiting for my nephew's gift to be unwrapped by the tree, and wishing the kids and M were here.  So much has happened in the last three weeks.  I am so full of emotions that I don't even know how to express.  There are so many things I should be doing right now, but in the spirit of Christmas... I am sitting down and pounding these feelings out.

Early in the month of December 2011 - something horrible happened.  I can't go into detail, all I can tell you is that it shook our world.  Terrified me.  I was so afraid.  It affected all of us.  M.  Me.  DQ.  Especially V.  We won't know the resolution for a little while longer yet, but I have come to terms with it.  Maybe some day I will be able to put into words this great fear.  I just can't right now.  I have lived the better part of this month, letting this fear control me.   

This great fear overshadowed everything.  I snapped at co-workers, and was ashamed of myself, beginning a cycle of self destruction.  I didn't want to think about Christmas or everything that would come with it.  I just wanted this blissful peace... that I have now, and can only blog about.  I nearly sent M packing - and am so grateful for his patience with me.  I couldn't see all of the good in front of my face.  Until lately.  Because of the angels who heard me out when I called upon them crying - and the professionals in our lives who helped me to pull the gravity of the situation into focus.

And the tree keeps trying to unwrap that present.  Maybe if left long enough, over time, it would wear away the paper - like water flowing over rock for eons will make it smooth.

So now I am ready to face whatever resolution comes from this fear.  I sit alone in this silence I have wanted for so long - and now all I want is three sweet faces to come walking through the door - so I can hold them.  A few of Santa's elves just stopped by.  They dropped off the gifts that the therapist spoke of, and I am blown away by their generosity.  I told her I don't even know how to begin thanking her for this, and she told me she merely wants photos of the girls opening their gifts so that they can put them into a collage on the wall.  Because this is their third year spreading the spirit of Christmas.  They got to meet the girls, as they left the therapist's office to head here, and the girls headed into their meeting with our beloved therapist.  I really wish I could have given her more than a light hearted Christmas card this year.  She means so much to us.  The girls will have one of the best Christmases ever.  All due to the generosity of these kind strangers, a very talented crafty friend, and the love that M and I will always have for them.

I believe in Santa.

On a lighter - less cryptic note - we got to see the girls costumes for the 2012 recital.  They are soooo cute.  I can not wait to see the entire performance together.  Their instructor does such a good job.  I am so glad to have them dancing at her studio.  Not to mention she's a super person too.   V is doing one ballet class, and she will be a skunk (a super cute skunk).  DQ is doing Ballet to Singing in the Rain, Acrobatics to Under the Sea (yes - from The Little Mermaid), and Tapping to Baby Take A Bow.

I want to wish each and every one a Very Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, whatever you believe in.  I hope it is a lovely ending to a year, be it a good year, a bad year, whatever.  May you get everything you want out of life... unlike our rotating Christmas tree... that will never be able to open that silly present.

Aunt TT

1 comment:

  1. Merry Christmas, my friend. I hope things are some better now. :)

    We also have had to depend on the kindness of strangers for our Christmas.