Friday, January 6, 2012

Didn't know how lonely I was...

I didn't know how lonely I was until I heard your voice. 

OK..  so "your" applies to two people.  The first?  Our therapist.  I had to call yesterday to schedule an appt b/c in the hubub of our holiday schedules we forgot to schedule one.  When I heard her voice on her voicemail message, something inside of me broke a little, and I almost started crying.  Yes.  I am pathetic.  I miss the girls therapist.  And it's only been two weeks since we've seen her.

The second?  A dear friend of mine who moved away last summer.  She called to tell me about her new job, and she sounds so very happy.  I am so happy for her, but I just miss her so much.  So very much.  She was my friend with kids around my kids ages.  We did a lot together.  I depended on her in many ways for a social life. 

What's that you say?  Go make new friends?  Oh if it were that easy for me.  I'm backward.  I'm a homebody.  I would rather be reading a good book, or working on my writing.  I'm socially awkward.  I don't hear as very well as I should, and sometimes miss things being said.  I guess I appear snobby b/c I was always taught to be seen and not heard.  Did I feel bad that there were NO kids at the New Year's Eve party for the girls to play with?  Yes.  Bad enough to get out there?  Put myself on the proverbial tree branch, and make friends?  No.  I'm pathetic at dance class when talking to the other dance moms.  I'm quiet.  I'm shy.  I play solitaire on my cell phone, and wonder when it's appropriate to break into conversation.  They're talking loudly enough that I can hear what they say.  But are they wanting me to jump into the convo?  I want to invite them and their daughters to DQ's b-day party, but our family is so large, there are so many kids in it - can I afford the 40 extra bucks to have them come?  I worry that they think I am weird.  I worry that my breath stinks b/c I usually race from work to dance, and haven't brushed my teeth since I left that morning.  I'm usually thirsty and hungry, and exhausted.  I'm not the best me I can be. 


Then I retreat into my shell.  Where I sit at home and read, work-out, and write.  My happy place.  But do the girls suffer b/c of my social ineptitude?  *sigh*

In other news....  my sister is resurfacing.  She and her boyfriend? husband? baby daddy?  have a FaceBook page now, and they have been befriending folks.  My paranoia sets in.  She's on FB.  Is there anything she can glean from my page and some day use against me in court?  My page is private.  She isn't my friend... she can't access things.  So is there anything she can glean from my friends pages?  Why am I so afraid of her?  That one is easy.  The legs I stand on as a parent are so shaky... because I didn't give birth to them.  Would a judge rule that she deserves them.  She is living in the state now, maybe 20 minutes away from us.  She has asked to see photos of the girls.  Why is it so hard for me to say yes?  I guess I am still a little angry at her for this entire situation.

My blog.  Will she find my blog?  Is there anything here that I don't want her to see?  I have always only ever spoken the truth, so I have nothing to hide.  What am I afraid of?  Hurting her.  I'm afraid she will stumble across this blog, and be hurt by my writing.  It was never intended to hurt her.  Only to keep a record of what has transpired, and a place for me to get these emotions out.  There are no support groups for custodial aunties in my area. 

Then we still have the horrible awful dreaded thing that happened in the beginning of December.  It is still unresolved.  Depending on the outcome, our lives may take a drastic turn.  I may be forced into a decision I never wanted to be forced into.  M and I have both been trying to stay busy and not think about the ramifications of what could happen.  But it's hard.  It's very hard.  I was crying a little last night while M was finishing up dinner b/c of it.  He and I had been talking, and I'm emotional right now anyway.  The girls were playing downstairs in the basement, and ran up.  I wiped the tears away, but they could tell I was crying.  They asked why, and I told them, "Daddy and I might be forced to make a very difficult decision soon."  They both asked what it was.  I told them, "when the time comes for you to know, we will tell you.  So don't worry about anything until then."  V says, "Is there a baby in your belly mommy?"  M says, "I wish."  I smile and tell her, "No.  No babies in my belly sweetie.  Now you two go wash up, it's almost dinner time."  Then I cried again.

I could scream at the injustices of the world, but where would it get me?  Nowhere.  Should I quit blogging about everything?  Should I make my blog private?  So that only the followers can read it?  Should I say to heck with it - if she finds it, she finds it?  She made her bed...  but I still hate to make the sleeping in it any worse than it is.

I like to end these blogs on a positive note.  So I will also tell you the good that has happened.  The girls got crocheted hats from one of my friends for Christmas.  THEY LOVE THEM.  DQ got a violin for Christmas, and is learning to play it.  V has been a very sweet child lately, some of the things she says just melt my heart into a puddle on the floor.  M and I get to go away on our annual adult only trip in a few weeks and we are looking very forward to it.  DQ will be turning 7 in a few weeks, and we are looking forward to that celebration.  We are all healthy.  DQ was thrilled to get back to school after her break, and they are sending report cards home today.  She is such an intelligent child.  I can't wait to see what the report card will say about this 2nd quarter of school.  Hobie, our 90 lb lab is down to 78 lbs since he was at the vet two years ago, and is now all up on his vaccines.  He also had an infection in his eye, but some antibiotics fixed that.  It was really swollen, and he looked like he had been in a fight!  But now that it's healed, M can't call him Rockey Balboa anymore....  and tease him about how Apollo Creed whipped his butt. 

I will post a blog of a bunch of photos.  I am overdue for that, but it will have to be the next blog I do.  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, and got to spend time with your loved ones.  I also hope that 2012 brings you all the happiness and joy that any one person can handle!!

Aunt TT

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