Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The reason

Some days, life is so tough... I wonder why I got out of bed.  I wonder why I keep trying.  I think about how fantastic it would be to stay in bed, and blow off the world.  It can be a pretty crummy world anyway right?  Then I have these moments...

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Some days I'm so tired I really don't want to have to pick up V's socks that she can't keep on her feet, and can't put in the dirty basket.  Some days I don't think I can hear DQ complain how much she hates having to listen, or hates having a little sister, or hates everything.  Then I watch them dance, and I beam with pride...

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Then a little girl runs to me with a smile so wide on her face and proclaims that she loves me without my saying it first....



 Some days I am so full of love... I just can't put it into words.

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And then my world is right.  I don't doubt myself anymore.  I know what I have to do, and suddenly... I have the strength to do it.   It is so amazing what the love a child can do to a person.  My wish for you today, is that you know the love of a child.  That unconditional love that reminds you that you are a superstar to someone.  Because it's easy in this world to forget our superstar powers. 

Aunt TT

Friday, February 3, 2012

Sleep Well My Angel

Lately my blogs have been so sad.  I'm so sorry.  I don't mean to add sadness to a world that is all ready so full of sorrow.  But that is my mind frame lately, and this blog was created to be an outlet for my mind.  So I will warn you in advance... this one will be sad too.  Please bear with me.

Sister is still in town.  Mom and Dad took Z-man to meet his baby brother last Friday, and it went well.  Z-man was so happy.  On Sunday, they went out to dinner with my sister, her boyfriend, the baby, and my other sister and her children.  I was invited, but I just didn't have the heart to go.  I stayed home and was a train wreck.  Go me.  Anyway Z-man told his mother that she wouldn't be taking him or his sisters away from us.  She told him she didn't want to.  She wanted us to raise them.  He seemed satisfied with this.  Mom said he wasn't very open to her hugging him, and didn't want to be touched, but he didn't freak out and hide under any tables either.  She said it was a good visit.  My older brother will be having dinner with her (tonight I believe).  So a lot of folks in the family have been seeing her.  Saying their goodbyes.  How long will it be before she is back, or we plan to travel there?  Who knows.  She is trying to separate from us on better terms this time.  Last time was all yelling and fighting, with everyone saying harsh things.

I am torn between two sweet innocent little girls, and the love I have for my sister. 

I haven't been brave enough to make a decision, so indecision rules me.  I have wanted to see her.  But words escape me.  I don't know what to say... how to say it...  etc.  I feel like such a traitor b/c I watched her give birth to three precious children, and now two of them call me mom.  I am the one who they smile and hug.  Who they give sweet cards and notes to.  I am the one they run to when they are hurting and need comfort.  I am now their mom.  How do I face the woman who gave birth to them?

I believe my sister also stole from me before she left.  It was odd that my wedding ring (I had been divorced a year, but hadn't parted with it yet) came up missing around the same time she bailed on the children.  That was upsetting.  She stole from my parents.  There were so many lies.  I still haven't come to terms with going on..  as if nothing happened.  That breaks my heart, but pushing myself to be over everything... just isn't working either.

Watching V act out consistently, and being told last night that we need to pursue psychological testing... on a 4 year old... makes it all the harder to see my sister.  The damage she did in the early years of V's life... is so hard for me to forgive.  I watch this sweet girl struggle against everything from getting dressed in the morning to going to bed at night.  She kicks, fights, screams, bites when she isn't getting her way.  It is very troubling.  I watch DQ be so unsure of herself at times, and although I will not blame the ADD on bad parenting, she too has issues, and can't sit still ever for the life of her - so I watch her struggle with being good in school.  I'm terrified V won't be ready for Kindergarten.  She seems to have so many of the same issues that Z-man has.  It just plain breaks my heart.  Then I wonder how my sister whom I love so much could have left these kids to fend for themselves at such a young age.  How could she be so selfish?  I go back and forth so much.  Between the good memories and the bad.  The happiness and the anger.  I have to find a way to lay this to rest, and move on.  I can't let sorrow dictate my life.  It's not healthy for me, M or those sweet girls...


So there is this band that consists of the bulk of the members of one of my favorite bands (Evanescence).  They are called We Are The Fallen, a spin off of Evanescence's first album, Fallen.  They picked up a talented singer from American Idol years back, and have produced some wonderful music.  I had never heard of them, as they get no radio play here in this area, but fell in love with them over IHeartRadio.com.  One song in particular reduces me to tears.  It is called, "Sleep Well My Angel".  I am a great lover of music, and nothing pulls my heart strings more than a beautiful piano, some stringed instruments, and a talented singer.  This song has it all.  Why does it affect me so badly?  Let me break it all down for you, but let me also suggest that you listen to the song while you read the lyrics.  This is the only way I know to effectively communicate my heart.  (Lyrics are in bold - my interpretation is beneath the line, sorry for weird spacing, it wouldn't let me correct it)

Sleep Well My Angel - by We Are The Fallen


Watching you sleep for so long
(seeing her stumble, and make bad choices, my fear that she abuses drugs)
Knowing that I can't turn the rain into sun anymore
(I can't take away the pain - I can't help her.)
I've given you all that I have
(I'm emotionally spent, and I am raising her kids for her)
And now I stand here too scared to hold your hand
(I'm too afraid to get close to her again, the outcome is always the same.  I can't even agree to see her)
Afraid you might wake to see the monster that has to leave
(I feel like a monster leaving her to this fate, although I know it is a fate she has chosen.  I can't bear for her to see me).

Chorus:
Because you see the shelter as the storm
(she runs away from the things that could help her, preferring to stick with the things that hurts her)
Holding wind to keep you warm
(holding onto something that slips easily through her fingers for comfort, that gives none)
You were everything to me
(speaks for it's self doesn't it?)
This is why I have to leave.
(I can't stay and watch her continue to destroy herself.  I have to do what is right for myself and her kids)
So sleep well my angel
(I hope the life she has chosen treats her well, and she has peace)


Under the ash and the lies
(I can see beyond all of this, and I know her heart)
Something beautiful once here, now dies
(Our friendship as sisters is gone)
And the tears burn my eyes
As you sit there all alone
I just want to come home
(I really wish I could restore things to what they were, but I know it's not possible)



But you see the shelter as the storm
(she runs away from the things that could help her, preferring to stick with the things that hurts her)
Holding wind to keep you warm
(holding onto something that slips easily through her fingers for comfort, and I know it gives her no comfort)
You were everything to me
This is why I have to leave.
(I can't stay and watch her continue to destroy herself.  I have to do what is right for her kids)
So sleep well my angel
(I hope the life she has chosen treats her well, and she has peace)

I'm sorry
(What I wouldn't give to go back in time and change things)
I'm sorry
(I hope she can forgive me for anything I have ever done to wrong her)
I'm sorry
(I feel like I have failed her, and a better sister could have pulled her out of this) 
I'm sorry
(I am a coward, and I just can't face her right now - I have to preserve myself and two little girls)

But you see the shelter as the storm
(she runs away from the things that could help her, preferring to stick with the things that hurts her)
Holding wind to keep you warm
(holding onto something that slips easily through her fingers for comfort I equate wind with drugs)
You were everything to me
(speaks for it's self doesn't it?)
This is why.....
You see the shelter as the storm
(taking refuge in a bad lifestyle)
Holding wind to keep you warm
(clinging to that intangible bad lifestyle....)
You were everything to me
(speaks for it's self doesn't it?)
This is why I have to leave.
(I can't stay and watch her continue to destroy herself.  I have to do what is right for her kids)
So sleep well my angel
(I hope the life she has chosen treats her well, and she has peace and happiness)
Sleep well my angel

 Aunt TT