Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Old Relics

When my sister and I were little, we had and played with gobs of My Little Ponies.  We had other toys too, but this story isn't about them.  Anyway we would fight over them, as all siblings do.  I got fed up of her trying to "take my Ponies" and I wrote my initials on the bottom of their hooves in black ink.  TD.

Fast forward to 2012.  V loves playing with the ponies.  My mom always saved everything, and when the girls and I moved into the house in 2009, she gave me all the ponies that my sister and I "shared".  Now V plays with them.  She loves her ponies, and will ask you to brush their hair, and play with her with them.  Mom and dad were over on Friday, and she drug her entire tub of ponies out and asked mom to play with her.  It was a blast from the past for mom to see that V still plays with the same things that gave myself and my sister such joy.  She kept saying, "I remember this one...  and whose was this?"  I looked at the bottom for my initials, and I slipped up and said that one belonged to my sister, calling her by name, and V was so excited to have something that her biological mommy cherished.  As difficult as it is on one hand... it warmed my heart on the other.

The girls have a huge bag full of dress up clothes for their dolls too.  When I say huge I mean one of those 6ft long bags that fit under the bed.  They were playing dress up their dolls on Sunday, and came across a shirt that had her name printed on it in big red letters.  I was in the kitchen cooking, and heard them yelling her name, "my real mommy" following it.  Again the vice on my heart clinched a little, but it was a piece of the past that mom handed down to me, and I didn't realize was still in there.   I knew there were clothes that we both played with, but I didn't realize that there was a shirt with her name on it, a bag with her name on it, and a 7 year old DQ who can read very well. 

So my new war is in if I should put those items up in a box or let the girls continue to play with and enjoy them.  My sister isn't their real mommy anymore.  She is ready and willing for me to take the reigns completely in raising the girls.  I am the one who is hesitant.  I am the one who lets fear guide me.  I just don't want my sweet DQ or my ornery V to hate me for decisions I have had to make.  I love them both so much.

DQ asked me if her mommy was a "Bad Person" last weekend when we were all in the car.  My response to her was, "No honey, she's not a bad person.  She has just made some bad decisions."
DQ, "Like leaving me?"
Me: "No.  That was a good decision.  Because had she taken you with her to AR, you would have been exposed to so many things that I wouldn't have been able to protect you from.  You would have been unsafe."
M interjected and reminded her of how her life was before us.
Me: "And our primary job in life is...."
DQ: "To keep V and I Safe and Healthy."
M and I: "Right."

Then the conversation switched to happier, lighter things.

My sister is on my mind today as it is her 31st birthday.  I didn't get to celebrate the big 3 - 0 with her.  I won't get to celebrate this one either.  She sent me a message on FB, and asked if I would mind sending her some photos or a video.  I had uploaded those videos to my blog, and decided to send her the one of DQ doing her Acro routine that I put on YouTube.  I know.  You might be thinking this was wrong of me, but hear me out.  If my sister died today... I would regret not giving her that one small request.  I would regret denying her that one small happiness.  Because that happiness will in no way hurt the girls at all.  They don't even know I sent it, and I won't even talk to them about it until they are much older.  I am not getting weak.  I am not trying to appease someone who "doesn't deserve it".  I am thinking ahead to the What If's of life.  Because we never know one minute to the next if we will breathe our last breath or not.  I don't want to have regrets in my life.  So I chose to share this one small thing with her.  I will probably send her videos or photos every now and then, because as I see it... it will only strengthen what I have always told the girls about their mother, and when they see all I have done to keep from completely severing that connection, they will understand.

On a happier note.... my good friend will be coming to visit from FL early next week.  I haven't seen her since she moved in June of last year.  She will be bringing herself, her boyfriend, and her three children, and they will be staying with us.  I'm so excited to see them!!!  The girls will be excited too.  I'm hope to surprise the girls with my friend's visit.  It's ironic b/c my friend pulled DQ's first loose tooth, and DQ has another loose one right now... so maybe my friend will have some more tooth pulling to do on her visit!  

 Aunt TT

No comments:

Post a Comment