Saturday, April 28, 2012

The Grey

I always thought things were either black or white in life.  That I would grow up and always know what to do, right from wrong, good from bad....  Life isn't like that for me.  It's Grey.  It is darn near impossible to always know what to do.  The line between right and wrong is blurred at times.  The razor edge between good and bad is precarious.  I feel like such is my life.

I haven't written in awhile.  I just haven't had the umph to do so.  There hasn't been much happening nothing huge to write about.  Just more Grey.

My sister called yesterday.  She told me how a picture of V fell off her wall, and the photo actually slipped out of the frame and into the gated fireplace, and was torched by the pilot light.  It all seems so circumstantial, so far fetched, but my sister pleaded with me to make sure that everything was good with V because if that was an omen that something bad would happen...  I would be able to do something about it before she could.

Of course this put a tiny bug of worry in my ear, but my practical self shook it's head at something like that being an omen.  I didn't know how well the screw held the photo in the wall.  I didn't know why they would have a pilot light burning in a fireplace this time of year - as it is quite a bit warmer where they are vs. where we are.  I didn't know how a photo could slip out of a frame (unless it was broken or badly damaged to begin with) and fly into a gated fireplace.  But whatever.  I'll keep an eye on everything. 

I spoke with my dad not long after I got off the phone with my sister.  He let me know that she has been  struggling, and the sisterly side of me wanted to be there for her, to help her through this tough time.  No matter what she has or hasn't done, she is my sister.  What kind of world am I creating for these little girls to live in, if I can't show them that I am capable of forgiveness?  How can I expect them to show each other love, when daily.... I am not showing them how much I love my sister?  Exactly what do I want to teach these little girls?

Aside from that continual struggle - we have the adoption front.  I'm being told that it would be easier and simpler to adopt were M and I married.  So that kind of takes the romance out of, "will you marry me?" and "OH YES!".  It is what it is, though.  I've been married once - and didn't think it was all that I was lead to believe it could be, but M has never been married, and I don't want to rob him of anything.  We honestly haven't done much on the adoption front because of the whole marriage ordeal. 

The good news?  Dance recital is a little over a month and a half away.  I'm so excited.  The girls costumes are SOOOOO cute!   I can't wait to see the routines with the costumes.  Mom said she would come backstage and help me with costume changes, etc.  DQ will have three dances/costume changes this year, and V will have one, but that is still four dances for me to get two little girls ready for.  DQ has decided she wants to do competition dance next year, and I'm going to do all I can to make that dream a reality for her.  She will have practice Mon and Thurs from 4-6, and V will have ballet on Tues from 5:30-6:00.  Do I want to live at the dance studio?  No - but if it's what it takes to help make dreams come true for the girls...  then that is what I will do.  Dance photos will be in about three weeks (still have to get tights/shoes - and decide how to do their hair - photo night will be STRESSFUL).  I will post dance photos when I get them. 

I have been sewing a 1950's inspired skull and crossbones dress.   I found a really good tutorial on making petticoats, and I made a petticoat for it.  I'm so excited at how it turned out!   I think I am going to make tutus for the girls using the same theory - but on a smaller scale for dance as well.  I have been bitten by the sewing bug....   This lovely little black petticoat.....
 Turns this......
 Into this...... (sorry for the bad photo quality)

V has been doing much better with her biting and aggression at school.  I honestly can't remember the last time she bit.  I'm very happy about that!   I signed her up for Kindergarten the other day, and she will be starting this fall.  She is very excited about that.  She has her good days and bad days with being potty trained, but we are working on that.  She sat and peed on my couch a few weeks ago because she was too lazy to get up and use the toilet.  I was so upset.  I showered her and put her straight to bed while M tried to clean the urine off the couch.  So frustrating!  At school - V can earn up to 4 stickers per day as her day is divided into approximately two hour increments.  We take the book to school with us every day, the teachers reward her at the end of every two hours by letting her put a sticker on the chart, then she brings it home, and we go over it.  The theory behind this is trying to reinforce the good behavior in smaller increments of time since expecting a child with her issues to be good all day long, then praise them at the end of the day just doesn't have the same impact. 

DQ has been getting in trouble at school a lot for self control issues.  All year long I have been trying to reward the good behavior, and ignore the bad, but the bad just isn't going away, and in my opinion is getting worse and worse.  So this week I told her that for every day she is NOT on green, she will be doing something other than what she wants in the evening.  She was on blue the other day, and instead of playing outside or watching T.V. she had to sit and do math problems.  She learned how to add and subtract two digit figures... and honestly.... I think she loved it.  She was gobbling up learning all that new stuff, and she didn't fight us at all with it.  M and I checked her math, and had her correct the ones she didn't do so well on.  The next day was a good day, and she was on green.  We all celebrated hers (and V's b/c she had a 4 sticker day) victory.  It was wonderful!  Then yesterday, she was on red.  So when we got home she had to write a story about a little girl who wouldn't stop talking in class (that is what keeps getting her in trouble).  Maybe one day we will get through to her....

So that's about it for now.  So many huge things on the horizon (possible wedding... possible adoption...  dance recital... V starting Kindergarten.... DQ moving up to the 2nd grade....)  Oh so much to think about in so little time.....

Aunt TT

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