Wednesday, September 12, 2012

DQ and The Green Eyed Monster

This morning DQ told me that she has "been attacked by the Green Eyed Monster."  Somewhere she has learned that the "Green Eyed Monster" is a term for jealousy.  It describes how ugly jealousy can be, and is a really good metaphor.  So I asked her what she was jealous of.  Her response?

"Because Z-man got to see my real mom twice, and I haven't been allowed to."

Ouch.

She said this while I was braiding her hair for school.  M and V were sitting on the couch.  My head snapped up.  I made eye contact with M.  He saw the fear in my eyes, and shrugged his shoulders.

We knew this day would happen.  When you keep secrets, you create situations like this.  DQ was bound to find out one day that her brother has been permitted to see their birth mother, and she hasn't.  She still doesn't know about having a younger brother yet.  But when these situations happen... you just have to roll with it and make the best of it.  We were as prepared as we could be.  I explained to DQ that we didn't think she was ready to see her biological mom yet.  Because she had moments that she was still so angry, and she still had other issues that we are trying to work on.  She seemed to accept that.

I talked to her about calling my sister her "real mom".  I explained that people that don't understand our situation might not understand why she lives with me, and someone else is her "real mom".  I asked her to call my sister her birth mom or her biological mom.  I asked if she still considers me her mom, and she said yes.  So I told her that if she calls my sister her "real mom" and I am her mom too, it could lead people to believe I am her "fake mom".  She smiled at me, and I knew she understood.

I emphasized to her that if she has any questions at all, she just needs to ask daddy and I and we will answer them as honestly as we can.  I told her that her biological mommy lives pretty far away, and that we can't go and visit her right now, but if she comes back to Ohio any time soon, that we would try to arrange a visit.  We would of course have to have advance notice... because we would have to breach the subject of the 4th child... their younger 1/2 brother. 

I won't lie to you.  Hearing DQ say my "real mom" about my sister broke my heart a little.  It reminded me of what a strong bond birth really is, and how very much she will always love my sister.  My life has been turned upside down, and made to revolve around these two amazing girls.  I feel like I deserve the title of "real mom," not my sister.  But I have to remind myself that this is coming from the mind of a 7.5 year old.  She doesn't understand everything that I do.  I had a brief thought flash before my eyes of DQ deciding that she would rather live with her birth mommy than me.  My heart broke a little more.  I pushed all that hurt away, focused on today, and the fact that I have both girls in my life - then moved on. 

I told DQ that M and I work really hard to give her the life she has today.  That we make sure she has so many things at her disposal.  I told her that her birth mom is really happy that she is with us, because she knows that I will love can care for her as if she were my own child.  I told her that her mommy has asked M and I to adopt her.  She doesn't understand exactly what adoption is, so I explained that it would mean that her mommy wants her to live with us until she is old enough to make decisions for herself.  She asked why, and I told her because her mommy knows she is getting everything she needs with us, and she doesn't want someone else to try to take her out of this wonderful environment and put her somewhere else.

This is such  heavy conversation before breakfast.

I didn't tell her that her mommy wants her with us because she doesn't feel she can give her what we can.  I didn't tell her that it is the ultimate sacrifice of love.  This is all for when she is older.  It's just not appropriate right now.  I hope I handled it right.  I know that there will be more questions, and in time, more secrets that are unveiled.  But for now - we will just keep going at the pace we are going at, and hoping it is shaping the best future that could possibly happen. 

Though all of this V was present... and much more occupied with other things.  She chimed in once saying that she doesn't remember her birth mommy.  M told her that is because she was so young when her birth mommy left.  He isn't quite as compassionate as I am about this subject.  He doesn't have the love for my sister that I hold.  He is just a little rough around the edges.  But he doesn't have the background I have.

So I think we have slain the green eyed monster for now.  I'm sure it will rear it's ugly head again, but I just thought I would share with you another moment in raising children that someone else gave birth to.

P.S.  Happy 35th birthday to my older brother today!!

Aunt TT

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