Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Little Black Hole

When you parent a child... it is a daunting, exhausting task.  You have to give so much of yourself, to help these children grow into adults.  You spend so much time ensuring they are safe, well fed, healthy, and generally happy....  that you lose track of yourself a bit in the mix.  You lose track of friends.  You lose track of some family. 

Now imagine trying to raise a precious, blue eyed, blond haired black hole of aggression.  You have all of the concerns I mentioned above, but you also have to make sure your child doesn't harm others.  You have to dedicate so much positive attention, love, and affection that seems to just be lost upon that angelic little black hole. 

Why do I compare my sweet 5 year old to a black hole?  Well because everything good and wonderful that I put into her just... disappears.  OK.  So I am exaggerating.... a little.  It doesn't disappear entirely.  I still see glimpses of the goodness.  Like at 3:00 in the morning when she needs a snuggle, and says, "Mommy I love you."  Or on the rare chance I catch her doing something good, and I can praise her, and her little face lights up like a perfect dawn.  There is good.  It isn't all bad.  But some days...  the good is SO hard to find.  She is a black hole, because she is such a force to be reckoned with.  She is so strong willed.  She will stomp and scream and yell, regardless of where she is or who is watching.  Black holes are known for sucking things into their bottomless void... and my child tries constantly to suck my love and positivity into her negative and angry world.  It is a daily battle to keep from becoming angry and negative just like her.  It is so difficult to point out the good she does... when there is so much bad.  And it's almost like she likes it this way.  She thrives in the chaos.  Yes.  I am talking about a 5 year old. 

My little V is struggling in Kindergarten.  I called my mom so upset yesterday because I don't know what to do to help her.  She is so impulsive.  If daddy or I aren't there playing Jimmeny Cricket...  she is usually not making the very best decisions.  She has been very aggressive.  Her teacher told me the other day, "she is so smart, she just won't keep her hands to herself."  It's the truth.  I am trying to get her tested for an IEP, but still have not had a phone call returned about setting up the testing.  Her therapist says she would like to go out for a visit to observe how V behaves in a typical school day... but we don't have a date set for that yet.  It just feels like such a cluster... and I can't seem to get a handle on any of it. 

V loves to aggravate her sister... to the point that DQ can't stand her.  V will pee her pull-up at bedtime... just because she doesn't want to get up and use the potty (underwear too...  we try....).  She tries to lie when she is in trouble... regardless of how much we tell her that lying causes a loss of trust... and loss of trust means loss of doing fun things that we may have otherwise let her do.  M and I stand our ground as firm and solid as we can.  It is just so hard sometimes.  It's like carrying this 60lb. black hole kicking and screaming up a hill both ways... in 4 foot of snow.... barefoot... without getting sucked into all the negativity, and becoming part of the black hole yourself.... 

I can see how she would be exhausting for a woman trying to manage 20 other 5-6 year olds, AND teach them how to read/write at the same time.  I feel for the teacher... but I also wish with all my heart that she was better equipped to deal with the problems that V offers up.

DQ seems to be doing well in 2nd grade.  We have parent teachers in a few weeks, and I have made sure that she knows that I will talk to her teacher, and if she is not being honest with me, she will lose things she enjoys for a little while.  DQ is enjoying dance very much (V starts tonight). 

M and I have been exhausted.  Life can really wear a person down sometimes.  We are doing our best to make it through, though.  And neither of us have any intention of quitting... ever.  But some days I do want a break.  I do want to disappear into something else.  Away from V's screaming.  I would take the dog with me too.  Because he just looks so sad when she is throwing one of her fits.  I have even tried to point out how very sad Hobie is when V screams and yells.  I have told her she is hurting his ears, and breaking his heart, because all he wants to know is love and affection.  It doesn't seem to phase her.  I just haven't found what will sink in yet.  I only hope I find it before it is too late for her. 

Aunt TT

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