Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Second Guessing

I have a new reader.  I am touched that she went back through all my rambling and read what I have to say.  I am also touched that she left feedback.  She made me feel a little bit better about second guessing myself all the time, as she said she feels it makes a person a better parent when they do that.  I tend to agree, just because I feel like I am always looking for ways to be better.  I don't just blindly believe I am the best and my way is the right way all the time.  I accept that I am human.  I am made with flaws.  I will make mistakes.

I need to get some self confidence in my parenting though.  I don't want the girls to think that I am a pushover.  I actually had a dream last night that V's teacher called me in for a conference.  She sat me down, put the girls in another room (where M was, I'm not sure).  She looked right at me and said, "it is evident to me that you didn't want to have children.  But you do now - so you need to start making them priority."  In my dream I was appalled.  I grew a set of brass balls, looked at her and said, "for your information, I didn't "have" these children.  I CHOSE to have these children."  While she stared at me in shock, I continued my rant.  I put as much force into my voice as I could, and I said, "my sister left these children crying on a doorstep, and I stepped in and got legal custody of them to provide a good home.  I do my best.  They are my number one concern.  If I didn't care, do you honestly think I would be sitting here trying to help you come up with a better way to handle my daughter?"

In my dream the teacher began apologizing over and over again.  She took my hands in hers and explained how stressed she has been, and how V makes her classroom more stressful.  I assured her that I completely understand.  I don't turn a blind eye to V's behavior problems.  I try to focus on the good, to help her forget the bad, and push on through life.  I told the teacher that sometimes I have to drag her kicking and screaming (not literally) into the right course of action, but that I understand my role in her life, and I do it to my best. 

I felt good after having that dream.  It felt good to stand up for myself.  To stand up for V.  I know it was just a dream, and I know it didn't really happen, but it still felt good to have a solid sense that I was doing right by this child.  I am growing a backbone.  I am doing what is best for my child.  Sometimes I second guess myself, but I blog it out, or I talk to M about it.  Then things are better.

The photo shoot that I mentioned in my prior blog came out fabulous.  The photos captured the very essence of my lovely daughters.  There were so many good ones, but for now I will share with you my favorites:

Competition dance is in full swing.   It is a bit more expensive than I imagined, and I am trying to get active with the fundraising.  We will need to do a lot of fundraisers to support DQ's dancing.  She loves it though, and has been so happy doing it.  I want to give her the opportunity.  It will be a huge sacrifice on my part, as it will take up a lot of my time, but she is so worth it.

School is going well.  V's teacher hasn't called me to conference, and seems to be trying to redirect her in as many positive ways as possible.  I see her most mornings when I walk V into the building, and touch base.  I have also convinced V that I have many friends at the school, and I usually find out what she is or isn't doing, so there is no sense in trying to lie to me about any of it.  The whole "eyes in the back of my head" theory.   LOL.  DQ seems to be doing better sitting still and listening in class.  I haven't heard her teacher complain about that once yet.  I feel a little disconnected from her teacher because there isn't a behavior chart coming home every day.  Second grade is so different from first and Kindergarten.  It's a learning curve for me too apparently.  I guess the old adage is true, children really do end up teaching their parents a lot.  I learn something new from them every day.  Things like patience, control, and a love deeper than any ocean is truly possible. 

Aunt TT

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