Monday, December 3, 2012

I want to see her.

Last night on the way home from mom and dad's house, DQ and I had a serious conversation.  Earlier in the year, my mom, dad, and Z-man went to AR to visit my sister.  Z-man, being only nine years old has slipped up on occasion and told DQ about being in AR, seeing their biological mom, and meeting their half brother. 

The cat is completely out of the bag.

I assume that either being around her brother a lot this weekend, or maybe her brother has slipped up and mentioned that my sister will be in town around Christmas.  I am not sure what has happened exactly.  At any rate, I have a huge decision to make.  Here is how DQ and my conversation went last night.

DQ:  "I miss Z-man".
Me:  "You spent a lot of time with him this weekend."
DQ:  "I know.  But I miss him."
Me:  "I know.  He might be coming to stay the night this weekend, depending on his behavior.
DQ:  "I miss my biological mom too (she calls her by her first name)."
Me:  "Me too."
DQ:  "She is your sister."
Me:  "Yes. But I don't miss the bad times."
DQ:  "Like when one of her boyfriends bruised my bottom spanking me?"
Me:  "Yes.  That made me very angry.  I don't miss that stuff happening."
DQ:  "She is my mommy."
Me:  Heart breaking a tiny bit.  "Yes, she gave birth to you.  She is your biological mom."
DQ:  "Z-man got to see her."
Me:  "Yes.  Mamaw and Papaw thought he was ready."
DQ:  "They went to visit her.  Why can't we go visit her?"
Me:  "She lives pretty far away.  It is a 10-12 hour drive.  I don't get much vacation time from work, and what I do get is dedicated to your competition dance schedule.  So that makes it hard to find time to go see her. Are you unhappy that our vacation time is dedicated to your dancing?"
DQ:  "No.  I love to dance.  I want to dance.  What if she comes here?  Can I see her then?"
Me:  "There are a lot of things we need to talk about to make that happen.  I need to make sure you are ready.  I need to make sure you can handle it."
DQ:  "Why?  What is there to handle?"
Me:  "You could be a little angry, hurt, or sad about some decisions she has made, it could be a very emotional time, for both of us."
DQ:  "I'm not angry or hurt."  Seven year (almost Eight year) old wisdom.
Me:  "OK.  And you will need to understand that we have no way of knowing when she will be back in the area.  So we have no way of knowing when we would see her again.  You can't let that make you angry or sad.  It is just how it is, we have no control over it."

Me:  "DQ?  Can I ask you a question?"
DQ:  "Yup."
Me:  "If you had to chose to live somewhere else, would you want to live away from me?"
DQ:  "No.  I am happy with you.  It would be nice to see her, though."
Me:  "I understand, I just want you to know that you are safe with me.  I will protect you from everything I can that could hurt you.  I love you.
DQ:  "I know mom."

So I feel like I must make a decision.  I can't put myself in a position where she resents me because I keep her from my sister.  I know my sister is supposed to be in town around Christmas, and I know that someone may slip and tell her.  I may have to break down and let them see each other.  It would be in a controlled environment.  So everyone would be safe.  There could be an emotional fall out.  But if I have presented her with all the issues, and she feels she is ready for this, then there is nothing I can do to stop it.  I can't bear for her to be angry with me after the fact. 

I am a little resentful that my parents have opened this door.  I would be lying if I said I weren't.  But I am wise enough to know that they won't be here forever and there is no sense in holding a grudge against them.  They were doing what they thought was best for Z-man and themselves.  I can't fault them for that.  I just need to deal with this loss of control of the situation and move on.  It is what it is. 

I am not ready to see her.  I love her.  I miss the good in her.  But I am not ready.  I think it is because there is a fear deep inside me that she would take these kids away some day.  I love them so much, they have become my reason to live.  I don't know what I would do without them.  V is difficult and trying, but I just don't know what I would do if I couldn't see her sweet face every day.  DQ is so smart, and talented with her dancing.  I don't know what I would do if I couldn't watch her succeed and beam with pride anymore.  I hope that is a bridge I never have to cross.  But I have to separate my feelings from what is best for the girls.  I have to think about what could be gained... or lost from DQ being able to see her mom.  I can't let my selfish fears and wants cloud my judgement when it comes to deciding what is best for these two little girls. 

Basically I am concerned that if I keep them apart, it will make DQ want her biological mom all the more.  I see no immediate harm in letting them see each other, there might be some fall out, but if I prepare DQ, and handle everything correctly.... it should be OK.

The harsh truth is that I didn't give birth to these girls.  They have a bond with their birth mother, that I will never be able to replace.  DQ especially loves her regardless of all the bad.  Love is blind.  We have all experienced the blindness of love at one point in our lives or another.  It is just part of life.  They love me too.  It is possible for them to love both of us.  I just need to remind myself of this now and then. 

I'm just going to keep blogging it all out.  It is why I created this blog to begin with.  An outlet for me.  A way to handle the emotional roller coaster that is raising children I didn't give birth to.    A way to get feedback from others in similar situations, or from people who just want to voice their opinion about what I am doing in raising these sweet girls.  This is also a living record for these sweet girls to read when they are older.  So they can understand why I made these hard decisions I've had to make.  It all boils down to love.  Maybe that old saying is true.  Love does make the world go round. 

Aunt TT