Wednesday, October 23, 2013

"I Just Miss Her"

Last night in therapy with DQ was a bit of a tear jerker for me.  Halfway through the session, the therapist called me into the room and said that she felt like they were reaching a realization.  She explained to me, in front of DQ (while DQ snuggled against me - she was nervous.  I could tell), that DQ said she misses her biological mom.  I asked her what she misses about her.  She said I don't know.

I asked her what she remembers about her.  She said nothing.  Susan said, "Nothing at all?"

"Well I remember living in a car."  Said DQ.

"How did you use the restroom?"  Susan asked.

"She would take us to restaurants," DQ slowly said.  "We slept in our seats in the car.  We lived with mamaw sometimes too."

I confirmed that by saying, "Yes.  When your biological mom didn't have a place to live she would sometimes live with mamaw and papaw."

"Do you miss living in a car?"  Susan asked her?

"No."  DQ said.

"Well what exactly do you miss about your biological mom?"

DQ couldn't think of any one specific thing.  She said she doesn't even remember what she looks like.  I let her know that if she has any questions about her I will answer them to my best ability.  That I will help her with this any way I can, but she must ask me questions, and let me know she needs my help.  She agreed.

She then started talking about memories that she had with me from when she lived with my sister.  She talked about the time (she was close to 3.5 yrs old) we walked down to an ice cream shop and had ice cream together, and she was so tired on the way home that my ex-husband ended up carrying her back to the house...  sound asleep.  She talked about staying the night at my house with her cousin D, and how they watched High School Musical, and had tons of fun together.  That was five years ago...  before my sister left.  She talked a little about when she cut all of her hair off when she was three, and how she remembers me taking her to the hair salon to try to get it fixed up.  Susan asked at that point why her bio mom didn't just do that for her, and why she called me instead.  I speculated it was because she didn't have the money at the time.  But that struck a chord with me.  She did always call me.  She did always let me have DQ for the weekend (this was before V was born, and while V was an infant).  She even let me take DQ camping 9 hours away from her at the age of 4 for a long weekend.

Susan reiterated to her that she needed to understand if DQ missed her biological mom as a person, or just because she felt like she should miss her, because she was her biological mom.  She wanted to get DQ to understand that she is missing something she doesn't even remember.  Someone she doesn't even know.  I am not 100% sure DQ grasps this concept yet, but at least I know the gears are turning, and with the right love, patience, and time - she will understand.

This was a really tough session for me.  I sat there holding this little girl that I love with my heart and soul.  I began to realize that all of her fond memories of her childhood are memories with me.  That the memories she had with my sister are mostly gone, or are too muddled, and inconsistent for her to draw upon.  In one way it made me terribly sad.  Because my sister isn't a horrible person, and I don't want the girls to forget about her completely.  But in another way, it made my heart burst with love and joy.  DQ doesn't understand, or realize it yet.... but I have given her a better life.  Had I not - she would have lots of good memories of her time with my sister.

We realized in this session that in January, she will have lived with me for as long as she had lived with my sister.  Then every day after that... she will have lived with me longer.  V has all ready hit that point.  Since she was two when I had custody of her, and she is now six.

Hopefully I can keep these kiddos on the right path.  They mean the world to me, and I really just want to give them the best childhood I possibly can.  I guess I ought to pull together a Halloween costume for them then.  I am a little behind in that department.

Aunt TT

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