Friday, January 24, 2014

For Nae

Yesterday at work, my phone rang.  It was an 870 number, and I only know one person in that part of the country.  My sister.

She has heard through the grapevine that I am having a daughter.  Last text I received from her, I let her know that I was pregnant.  Whoever told her that M and I are expecting a girl, also told her the name, because she kept gushing about how she loved it, and it was perfect.  She told me she knows this baby girl will be just as beautiful as I am, and kept saying how happy she is for me that I am finally experiencing this for myself.

She asked me to forgive her.  I asked her what for?  She said for not being there for me through this.  I told her that I miss her, but I know she can't be here right now, and I am not angry with her at all. 

She started crying.  I bit back the tears and tried to stay strong for both of us.  She told me how she loved that I was there for the birth of her three, and she would love to be here for this one.  I told her I would love for her to be able to be here, but I know it's just not possible right now. 

She kept saying over and over how much she loves me, and misses me.  I told her I love her, and miss her too.  I truly do.  I always thought she would be in the room with me when I gave birth, and it makes me a little sad to have to come to grips with reality that she won't be.  She can't be.  My sister was the only one of my siblings who stuck by my side when I divorced my abusive ex husband.  She was always there for me when I needed her, and I tried to always be there for her.  Words cannot explain the Grand Canyon sized hole I have been trying to fill by loving her children heart and soul since she left. 

She didn't ask about DQ's recent birthday (she turned 9 last weekend).  She didn't ask about how V is doing.  She didn't ask that I send copies of school photos so she can see them.  She didn't ask about how dance/karate is going.  I think it hurts her too much to talk about it.  She can't bear to look at the fact that she can't be part of all of this. 

She told me that if I ever need to reach her, I can on the number she called me on.  She said it was a friend's number, and that they will make sure she gets any messages I leave.  I think she really wants me to call and talk to her more often.  I feel awkward doing it on someone else's phone, and I never know what to say.  I want to ask her how she and her nearly 4 year old baby are doing, but words always fail me. 

I realize life is short.  Could be a blink of an eye and we could be removed from this earth, and things will never be resolved.  I really wish she had the means to have internet access or her own cell phone.  Although some of the stuff in this blog may hurt her a little, I think it would also be good for her to see how DQ and V are doing, and see the photos I post on here of our lives.  This blog is a little piece of my soul.  It would be good for her to see that, as I just can't communicate it to her the few times I have talked to her since she left.

If you ever read this Nae, I love you.  I miss you.  I thank you for giving me the gift of raising your two girls.  I hope that one day we can both work through our feelings and fears, and have some kind of relationship again.  I don't think you were a bad mother.  I think you made bad decisions, but ultimately, you made the best (and hardest) one you could for your children, and left them to be cared for by someone who would do what you felt you could not.  I wish you would have let me help you more, but I know that you are my stubborn Nae, and will do things as you see fit.  I wish you all the best in life.  I truly do.

Love,
Aunt TT

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