Friday, January 17, 2014

Most Difficult Decisions

This is a very public blog.  Sometimes written about very private things.  Private things that are thrown out there for the world to read.  Some folks in the world that read this blog are friends and family.  Some are internet acquaintances.  Some are complete strangers.  One day these entries may be published into a book for two (in May... three) amazing little girls to read.  This blog is a real and true account of my life as a custodial auntie turned mom.  I honestly try to stay as unbiased as possible, and keep accurate details.  This blog may one day be used in an adoption battle.  It may one day be used to show an angry teenager just how much I love them.  It may just be a very real public journal of my life circa June 2009, for the day I shed this mortal coil. 

The bottom line - this very public blog holds a great many emotions.  Intense frustration to extreme elation, and it is all centered around raising the children who have been placed into my care.  However I don't put it ALL out there for everyone to see.  There are some things too private to share.  I pick and chose what I really want the world to know about our situation, and go from there.  I screen out things that should remain private. 

I can tell you this without making private things public.  The day this new baby was conceived, something terrible and tragic also happened within my family.  It has been a dark cloud that has lingered and made it very difficult to enjoy this pregnancy.  I can tell you that it is causing a large rift in my family.  All parties involved feel the need to protect their children, and are pulling away from each other in an effort to do so.  It truly breaks my heart.  This tragic event is the one thing I really wanted to protect my girls from being exposed to at such a young age.  It was a real blow to me as a mother.  I felt like I failed my girls.  I am still struggling with letting them go stay with families other than my own, because this tragedy happened while I was out with friends having fun, and the girls were staying with someone else.

So if I'm weird about my girls staying over at a friend's house, or politely decline your offers to watch them on a snow day, please know I am not trying to be rude, judgmental, or accusatory toward you.  I just want to keep them safe, and I'm sorry I am neurotic about it.  I thought they were safe, and I was wrong.  It is so hard for me to trust people (and this is not a new development - I've been like this for ages.)

Because of this, I have had to make some very difficult decisions.  My difficult decisions have wound up hurting people that I wish I didn't have to hurt.  My job above everything else is to protect my children, and give them a good childhood, so I have had to weigh that higher than the hurt of others.  This breaks my heart.  This makes it difficult to enjoy what should be a joyous time in life.  Being a parent is truly one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I really hope I am doing right by my daughters.  Only time will tell.  

Please don't mistake me.  I am glad to have the chance to feel life grow inside me before my ovaries completely quit working.  I have friends who would desperately love to be in my shoes, so I feel the need to state that  I am not ungrateful for this.  I am only saddened about events surrounding the conception of my daughter.  I am finally able to start bonding with my little E now that I know she's a girl, and although she makes me uncomfortable, can find some happiness in her kicks, or hearing her heartbeat on my monthly sonogram.  I am sure that once I hold E in my arms, I will fall completely in love with her.  I'm just not happy about the world I am bringing this child into.  But I can't change the past.  Can only move on with the future. 

As much as I hate it - this is a part of our life, and so I am documenting it in my blog.  I want to make a public apology to anyone I have hurt the feelings of.  The well being of these two little girls is my main concern, and for that I can not be sorry.  I can only do what I think is best for them. 

To end this blog on a good note, I believe E is now (faintly) able to be felt outside my womb.  I am going to test this tonight with DQ and V.  She is a very active little girl.  I reached the 21 week point on Wednesday, and told a co-worker that it is all downhill from here.  He laughed and corrected me saying, "no, it's all uphill from here."  He's probably right, but I was trying to be positive about this getting fatter thing.  My pants are getting too snug, and I really need to dedicate some time to altering them to fit better.

DQ and her dance team are gearing up for their first competition (about a month away).  I can't wait to see costumes, etc.  We have all ready booked our hotel room for the first competition.  Now if only I could get DQ to practice her solo without complaining!  She is insistent she will grow up to be a famous dancer, but I wonder if she has the drive sometimes.

V and her karate team are gearing up for their first karate meet of the year (In February).  This will be the first one V will be ready to attend.  I am so proud of her.  The medicine she is on is still doing a good job, and if she has another good day today (5 in a row), her karate sensi has promised her he will stop smoking for a week in celebration of her doing such a good job.  We love sensi, and he loves all of his kids.  He's amazing.  If you need a karate instructor in our area, I will get you info. 

I have been working on a baby registry, as M's mom is going to throw little E a baby shower.  That is such a task!   I need to finish DQ's dance costume, maybe that will inspire her to practice more.  I have a project involving a Minnie Mouse applique for a friend's daughter's 1st birthday to sew.  I really should focus on how tight my pants are.... and do the tutorials to rid myself of a waistband.  So very much to do!  Good thing M is away on an annual bus trip in Michigan this weekend (that I am terribly sad I can not go on).  Will hopefully give me more time to focus on the tasks at hand.

Have a wonderful day today!!!

Aunt TT

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